Sharing Our Experiences

After having given birth to 11 children, I think I have a pretty good gauge on what would be the ideal difference in age between children.

It is often asked of me as to how I made the age gap determination and what decisions played the biggest part in having another child.

The age difference between my eldest and youngest is 17 years, however, it is not this difference in age between the youngest and eldest children that causes much of an issue, it is more so the difference in age between each individual child.

The 2 oldest and the 2 youngest

So, starting from my eldest to the youngest the difference in age between children goes a little something like this:

Number 1 – Number 2 = 23 months
Number 2 – Number 3 = 14 months
Number 3 – Number 4 = 3 years, 8 months
Number 4 – Number 5 = 17 months
Number 5 – Number 6 = 23 months
Number 6 – Number 7 = 20 months
Number 7 – Number 8 = 20 months
Number 8 – Number 9 = 20 months (is there a pattern forming here ;P)
Number 9 – Number 10 = 21 months
Number 10 – Number 11 = 11 months

One would think, that from the numbers above, the ideal difference in age between children most definitely goes to the 20-23 month period. I definitely feel, that this time gap ensured I had a full recovery from the previous pregnancy for I was able to get a consistent routine between children.

The 20 Month age gap Club

By the time I found myself pregnant again, I was fully able to dedicate myself to the newborn, which is very important to me, and the transition for the newborn, into the family, and vice versa, was made extremely easy.

This time lapse, also enabled us to still provide a lot of quality time to my elder children, especially the child immediately preceding the newborn, to lessen any unwanted sibling rivalry or jealousy. From my experience, at 20-23 months, most children are learning their own independence and although this is usually an introduction to the terrible two’s I can confidently say that this did not create too much drama for our household.

All in all, I favour this difference in age between children purely for the fact that there is not too much of a gap where children find communicating or playing with each other difficult. There are still moments of growth that each is able to share, experience and discover with their immediately older or younger as well as other siblings.

Having detailed above, the easier spacing to deal with between children, the not so difficult and yet not so easy range would have to be 14-17 months. At this stage, patience for the parent can be a little strained, but with the tried and true routine, I still believe this age gap is manageable. This time usually indicates for me, the end to bottles and an introduction to the toddler years. This is where walking leads to running and the discovery of one’s other senses, through increased mobility. This can be a trying age for the parent, especially when your 14-17 month doesn’t quite comprehend all instructions as adequately as an almost 2 year old. Definitely not a walk in the park for the child either.

17 Months Apart

And these trying times show up for parent and 14-17 month child especially when you are trying to feed the newborn child. It was for me.

I suggest that if your toddler is awake during feeding times for your newborn that you sit the toddler down quietly beside you to share some reading time. I try to have the toddler turn the pages while I read the pages. I even make up a playful story as the pages are flicked in the “no set order”. The toddler will assume or engage them in blocks. There is also creative hand play where I have comment on the activities at hand while continuing to concentrate on providing a relaxed feeding time for baby. I’ve used this time to tell tall stories about our family, or silly stories about how my room is my castle.

15 Months apart

I truly want to say to enjoy the moments as much as possible and try to include your 14-17 month old in the daily routine of with the newborn so there is a sense of belonging and role of importance for your toddler.

I also need to touch on the more than 3 year gap. I also have a 3 year gap between my older sister and I, and I believe this difference in age between children may be hard to gauge. From experience, the age gap was very challenging for me. I felt as if I always wanted to do what my older sister was doing but felt restrained due to being 3 years her junior. However, the contrast I have with my own children is that my daughter is 3 years older than her younger brother and this doesn’t seem to have been a major issue, so I guess the gender of your child can play a major part in the difference in age between children.

I’m sure I’ll write more in detail about the 3 year gap in the days to come.

At the complete other end of the spectrum is the less than 12 month period. I strongly believe that had I endured an 11 month period between any of my earlier births, I may not have had so many children.

Truth. And Ieremia tells me the same thing.

The 11 month period between my number 10 and 11 was and is extremely difficult. Keeping in mind that I have a wealth of knowledge, tips and tricks from 10 previous children, yet, we were still not prepared for the 11 month gap.

11 Months apart has been very challenging

This, inability to deal with the closeness in difference in age between our last 2 kids, came as quite a surprise to the both of us. I say this because, Ieremia and I(actually Ieremia more than I, lol) had always, from every single pregnancy, wanted twins or a multiple birth. But after having Troy (number 10) and Tiana (number 11) so close in age, we have a new respect for parents of multiple births.

Ieremia currently refers to these two, not as affectionately, as his “twins”.

It became a daily struggle to manage both, since both newborn and toddler needed the same, if not exact, attention and time. Initially it was slightly easier to cope with the situation, since both of us were at home, and each had a wee one to manage. It was almost “business as usual” up until I returned to work. This is when Tiana was 3 months old, but this left Ieremia caring for both babies at home, and I know he has some fond stories of these times, to share with you all.

From my experience the 11 month and under gap is extreme and possibly not something I would recommend unless of course you had alot of support from your partner and/or family during the first 18 months.

To be sure, Ieremia and I have new found respect for those that have twins or more. We beleive if twins were born either in the first or second pregnancy, I would be a proud mother of 2 maybe 3 kids by now.

When all is said and done I truly believe that there are many contributing factors to whether there is an ideal difference in age between children but based on my experience I would have to stick to the 20 month and above gap. I truly have found that this ideal age gap contributed heavily in allowing me to continue to have found balance in time, efforts and support for all of my children in my life.

As it has been said before: “proof is in the pudding”

What are your thoughts? Is there an age gap i’ve missed that you would like me to address? Maybe the 18 year age gap between my eldest and youngest. Leave me your thoughts, questions or discussion points below.

With 11 children where do we find the time to ensure that everyone has their special time? Thankfully I’m able to say … the answer to that question is easy.

I can honestly say that Ieremia and I aren’t starved for quality time with each other and that each of our children doesn’t have a complex due to lack of quality time with each of us.

I may work full time but that doesn’t mean that I don’t work hard at maintaining the relationships that I have with both my children and Ieremia. It’s a fine balancing act but thanks to the support of my older children and especially Ieremia, I’m able to achieve most things, and even get to take the 14km ride on my bike to work each morning (weather permitting).

I’ve detailed below how I’m easily able to keep track of time with each of my children, and it brings excitement to each and every one of them knowing that they will be getting a couple of hours at least, just with Mum. During the day, they all interact with Ieremia and get their own quality time with him, but they do look forward to their individual one on one time with me, to catch up and just enjoy the moment. I too, am able to de-stress from a day’s work and wander off into the daily happenings or events of each child.

Quality time also enables me to make time for a child’s sporting or other activity events, where I don’t miss out on those magical growing up moments. Sometimes we spend time just watching a DVD together, or maybe play some games on the computer, other times are spent drawing pictures, going out for coffee or just grabbing a bite to eat together. It can also be as simple as just taking a walk together. Quality time is one on one time with each other.

Our Quality Timetable

Not only do I find the time to spend individual quality time with each child, we also ensure that each age group: Littlies (3-9 year olds), Tweens (9-12 year olds) and Teens (12-19 year olds) get to meet with me also. This ensures that I can see how they are doing as siblings, as well as individuals within their age group. Meeting notes are taken down in a Family meeting book, so that if Ieremia or I need to refer to something it’s all written down. We each take turns at writing down the events of our discussion or conversations and if at any time something has been missed out, a message can be left in the book for Ieremia and me to see. Usually they’re little notes like, I forgot to tell you I’m working from 5-7pm on Thursday night, or Mum I forgot to tell you I need some new pens. We all love these meetings and they can last between 30 minutes to 90 minutes, depending on what’s up for discussion at the time. Most meetings usually take about 30 minutes.

And then once a week we get together as a family to catch up with each other as a family. These are always on Sundays and usually dinner, followed by dessert and then our family meeting. With the teens and I working, we sometimes lose that weekly contact as a family. Mainly due to so many of us missing at different times of the day.

But we manage, and may I say so myself, we manage very well.

Family meetings always finish with a song. It could be a nursery song from Kindy, possibly a Samoan song taught from their Grandparents, or even a song that is learnt at school.

The timetable is not a “written in stone” type of timetable, there is still the flexibility of changing with someone if they have something special to share with me, or if they will be unavailable on that day. What is especially beautiful about our quality time is that Ieremia and I have guaranteed time together, where the children know that we want to spend time uninterrupted, usually we watch a DVD, close the door to our room and just enjoy the quiet or even go to the Gym together to work out. All the kids between 7-19 years of age work together when Ieremia and I have our alone time, and they usually watch their favourite DVDs, draw pictures or read.

I truly am blessed when it comes to my family. Thankfully I am able to easily find time for myself, my relationship and my children without too much stress involved. My days are definitely full and although some days may prove challenging, I’m up for the challenge, especially if it’s to ensure that each member of my family is being catered to.

Time is my most valuable asset.

Time with my children and family are a treasure, and I want to ensure I spend it wisely.

Today I spent lunch with Sharquille (16 years old), Troy (2 years old), Tiana (18 months old), Miah (4 years old) and of course, their Papa cum chauffeur, my darling Ieremia.

We drove to the supermarket fairly close to my work, and to appease Mstr. Troy, we grabbed lunch. I promised a bag of sweets for all of them, if they would be good for their sister while they all waited in the car, as we shopped.

We grabbed our favourites: sausage rolls, pies, my Panini, a couple of bags of potato chips and the promised bag of sweets. On our return Sharquille was doing her usual routine, txting like her life depended on it. And Mr. 2 squealing at the top of his lungs trying to get her attention. Luckily the trip in and out of the supermarket was no longer than 10-15 minutes, any longer and Troy may have got swallowed up into Sharquille’s cell phone!!

I jumped in the back seat with Troy and Miah and it suddenly dawned on me …

why children have to …

why children have to scream at the top of their lungs when you’re shopping, why children have to have their own bag of sweets and not have to share, why children have to wear all the latest labels, why children have to grow up so fast, of course, there are so many others… “why children have to …”.

After I put myself in the back hot seat, I immediately calmed Troy down by the fastest route possible, offering the bag of sweets. Not always the best option, but when I’ve only got an hour for lunch and it’s almost half over, sometimes the quick fixes take precedence so that I can get to the good parts… cuddling my incredibly cute child that i’ve been looking forward to seeing.

Troy started to eat his Orange flavoured treat and watched attentively as I gave both Miah and Tiana their sweets. Sharquille was still in the digital world so didn’t even notice the bag of lollies that I had. Troy’s attention then turned to the bag of lollies again and before I knew it, he was howling for the whole pack of treats. There it was, my “why children have to” moment … why children have to cry for the whole bag.

This used to be beyond me many years ago, but I learnt something very simple; The child doesn’t want for the complete bag of lollies. They want the bag, colourful and crinkly and the genius of some marketer intending to produce and sell the contents of millions of these. The easy fix is, to secretly away from his peering eyes, remove all the sweets, leaving a few for that child and then give him back the bag. The tears will soon cease in record time and you won’t have to start the tears up again by giving the other children sweets from Mr. “I don’t want to share right now’s” private stash.

But you still have 90% of them in your pocket to divide up for now and save some for later.

I’m fairly certain for most of us, that as parents we all aspire to have the opportunity of having our cake and eating it too. No one wants to have to deal with, the swollen red eyes and husky throats, from the tantrums of wanting to have, from our smallest of angels.

I spent the rest of my lunch hour in fairly good spirits, enjoying the kisses and cuddles from my children, catching up on Miss 4’s wonderful morning at Kindergarten, where she is growing a bean person. Watching Miss “16 going on 20″, pawing over her new Okta Mondo cell phone in addition to two other phones’, extra appendages, on what used to be my daughter’s hands. Especially, the new babbles and cheeky giggles that Tiana has recently leapt into. And then I opened one of the bag’s of Potato Chips ….

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Once a month, or sometimes once every 2 months my immediate family, Mum, Dad, brothers and sister, with all their partners and children, get together for a family meal and catch up.

I absolutely adore getting to see how big and beautiful all my nieces are and how big and strong my nephews have become. Its also a great time to see how well my parents are ageing, and they do a great job of it. As for my brothers and sister, I love to vibe off their energy.

Its a great time also for all our children to catch up with each other and to bond. As well as to interact with their Aunties and Uncles, Nana and Granddad.

My eldest brother Patrick and his wife Agnes have 9 children, my elder sister Caroline and her partner Danny have 4 children and my youngest brother Tuna and his wife Natalie are yet to add to the brood. We have quite a tribe.

I’m sure you can tell I LOVE MY FAMILY!

Family dinners ensure the younger generation gets to bond

Don’t get me wrong, we have had our moments. This post doesnt allow me to elaborate on that, but possibly in the future i’ll write a book on “the humble mumblings of Roseanne” LOL.

As all families do, so does mine, we disagree, we argue and at the end of it all, we make up and are happy families all over again. Those are the lessons I wish for my children to learn. To not hold grudges but to sort out their differences and lay them to rest. Life is too short to hold on to negative energy.

The other reason I love my family get-to-gethers is THE FOOD!

What a feast my family spread yesterday. There was chop suey Samoan style, Rice, Lasagne, Roast Pork, Roast Potatoes and Pumpkin, Fried Rice, Hot Chips, Egg Foo Young, Chow Mein, and others that i’m unable to recall at this moment. A great pot luck menu.

It’s so important to build on our relationships as family. I think that it is only human for us to sometimes take these ties for granted. That doesnt give us the excuse however to continue taking each other for granted because we can, and not make the effort to build stronger bonds.

Teach your children the importance of family gatherings at a young age

Family values are important to our children, as well as family gatherings.

It is all part and parcel of our children finding their place in both the family and the relationships that they form in their lives.

We can help them build strong, healthy and loving relationships if we expose them to the strong, healthy and loving relationships that we have with our own siblings and parents.

I know the impact that my family have had on me as a person and although it hasnt all been good, its been realistic, its been encouraging and its taught me to be alot more grounded.

I love my family for the love they have for me, purely for the person that I am, the life I choose to lead and the decisions that I choose to make. They may not agree with all my decisions or methods but they do love me and thats what counts.

Children are not easily deceived, so my children do see the conflicts I experience in my family but I believe this allows them to view reality in action. Not everything in this world is perfect. But if they observe the way we resolve our conflicts then they have learnt some valuable life lessons. I would not want my children to wear rose coloured glasses purely to please my parents and siblings.

I had a great childhood. My view of my family reflects this. Alot of the traditions and lessons I have given my children have been those that I have learnt from my parents.

My Mum and Dad, a great inspiration to our family

I love family Sunday dinners, hence the reason I continue these with Ieremia and our children. Every Sunday we have a meal and dessert together and meet as a family to discuss the weeks events.

We do the same sorts of things with my parents, siblings, nieces and nephews. We share a meal and discuss the events that have occurred since we last met.

Family is important.

Time to share with your immediate and extended family is important in your childs growth.

Make the time to build those relationships and you will see your child reap the benefits.

Over the past 4 years we’ve managed to take all our children on a family holiday.

We’ve been to Samoa, Christchurch, Dunedin, Auckland and Tairua in the Coromandel.

Hahei in the Coromandel ... just stunning

This section is here to help give you some handy tips when planning your family holiday.

If we can manage with the logistics of 13 children, and thats without taking the budgeting into account, then the average family of 2.3 children should find it a breeze!!

More on this in the coming weeks or ask your specific question below.

Fast Tube by Casper

What are the differences between raising boys and girls? My thoughts exactly!

I have 6 girls and 5 boys.

If I take into account every interaction I have ever had with my children since birth and evaluate each one separately, I would have to say there are a total of maybe 1-1/2.

In other words, for me personally, very few.

Let me expand on that answer just a little.

My 2 youngest are 11 months apart, Tiana is 18 months and Troy is 29 months. If Troy were to hit Tiana, what would happen in your household?

In my household this is what would occur:

Tiana would usually hit her brother back, there would be a few tears and most of the time that would be the end of that.

In some cases the hitting may carry on but my reaction would not be to scold Troy but to sit both of them down and address the behaviour.

However, I do know that in most situations where this occurs, the boy would be scolded and told to not hit the girl but this would not be the case if the girl hit the boy.

I guess the point that I am trying to make here is this, that you should raise your child to the best of your abilities.

I dont cater my parenting to either the boys or the girls, I parent to each of my individual children.

The personalities and temperaments amongst my children are diverse but they are not determined by what sex they are.

I do not differentiate between the sexes of my children.

Obviously the boys and girls have physical differences but neither have achieved any great feats over the other due to their sex.

Braids look great on my boy and girl

• From birth I have dressed my boys and girls in pink

• Grown all my boys and girls hair past the middle of their backs and not cut it till they have requested

• Allowed my boys to play with dolls and my girls with trucks, without either sex destroying the toy

• Had all my boys and girls learn and complete the same chores both inside and outside the house

These are a few of the things that are traditionally done by one or the other of the sexes that I do not buy into.

I believe that parenting is about meeting your childs needs, addressing their concerns and instilling confidence in each and every one of them regardless of gender.

I think an area that is somewhat vague to me, because I am only beginning to experience this age, are my teenagers.

I havent had any great issues with my sons who are now 17 and 19, however, my 16 year old daughter has shown some behavious that at first appeared to be gender related.

I've struggled with fairness instead of gender for our teens

Just as I was starting to believe that my daughter was proving more difficult and rebellious than my sons, I took a step back to assess why she was rebelling.

I have always endeavoured to treat my children fairly, but when my eldest daughter started to get older, my own gender related prejudices started to surface. I started to think that because she was a girl, that I should not be as lenient with her freedom and social outings.

This however impacted negatively on her.

My own immediate fears for my daughter, that I did not have for my sons, were what would happen if she became pregnant.

So I tried to wrap her up in cotton wool and put her in Peter Peter Pumpkin Eaters Pumpkin Shell. Wrong.

I believe this is a fear for alot of parents and the reason that there are differences between raising teenage boys and girls, when they get to the sexually curious and active years.

So how did I resolve this?

After some soul searching and discussing my fears of pregnancy with my daughter, I decided that over the years I had armed her with all the information that she needed to make the right choices, and I just needed to trust her judgements.

I needed to trust my parenting and I did.

I gave her the same curfews and conditions as my sons when they were around her age and maturity.

The rebellious streak stopped.

She still has her dramatic moments but what I had thought was a difference between raising teen boys and girls was really my own conditioning.

So, I guess I took a page out of Peter Peter Pumpkin Eaters book:

Peter, Peter pumpkin eater,

Had a wife but couldn’t keep her;

He put her in a pumpkin shell

And there he kept her very well.

Peter, Peter pumpkin eater,

Had another and didn’t love her;

Peter learned to read and spell,

And then he loved her very well.

Like Peter, in trying to control my teenage daughter, I tried to keep her at home and limit her social outings.

My interpretation of Peter’s simple story, reflected in my own situation with my daughter, is that by learning and understanding the reasons behind her rebellious behaviour:

• I was able to allay my fears,

• trust her judgement and mine

• Resolve the behaviour, not based on her gender but on her as an individual

By trusting my daughter, and empowering her to make her own decisions, she is able to reel in her own reckless behavior and behave responsibly – thus far. *giggles*

There is no need for me to be convinced that there are no differences in raising boys and girls but this is my personal viewpoint, from my experiences in raising my own children that I am sharing with you.

You may have your own viewpoints on this and i’d love to hear what your experiences have been.

I’ve provided some interesting links below, food for thought:

http://www.thelocal.se/20232/20090623/

http://www.cbc.ca/news/background/reimer/

As my children continue to grow, the thought that has arisen often, is the time old question of:

“What age do children start?”

As we all go through our daily lives I’m sure one thinks of what age do children start to do and think for themselves, especially in the teenage years, and even more so when they leave school.

As of late the burning question on my mind has been, what age do children start becoming adults?

I think that question has been more of a reflection in terms of my eldest son who has since finishing High School last year been undecided as to what path he now takes.

I had such dreams of grandeur for my eldest.

I wanted for him to have a professional career, maybe not a Rocket Scientist but something in the same league. I thought to myself, what age do children start aspiring to be an A-League Dentist, Psychiatrist, Lawyer or Doctor, because that is what Isiah is going to be. Or at the very least he will aspire to higher education.

My dreams. My hopes. My wishes.

I’ve had to give myself reality checks often and ensure that what lessons and advice I impart to my children is with their best interests at heart. Not my own. I’ve had my life to live my dreams, and to a larger extent, I’m still living them, aspiring to them, and creating a more perfect life.

Yesterday I had a slight meltdown purely because I made a small system change to my blog and before I knew it, it was gone … disappeared into the Ether, never to be seen again … well at least that’s what I thought!! I spent a good couple of hours trying to retrieve the information and driven by the good news I have to share, here I am, tapping away another day in the life of.

19 today but it seems like yesterday when he was 5

My eldest son, Isiah, found his first full time job.

My first baby, he’s grown so fast and I’d think that being the eldest of 11 hasn’t been without its ups and downs, mind you, I’m sure it has many perks, especially when one learns how to use the art of delegation. Even then, I’m so very proud of his achievement in what is a step up into what will be life for him.

A life he’ll live hopefully on his terms.

In all my excitement I had almost forgotten that not so long ago I had become a little more involved in what I had wanted for Isiah instead of what he had wanted for his own life. I think that as a parent I try so hard to ensure that all my children have the tools they’d need to be the best that they can be, as people.

We as parents need to forget that we’re not supposed to be making carbon copies of ourselves or creating a better, faster, stronger, brighter model of ourselves.

Direction is a great tool in teaching our children the options they may have in life, however, we do need to be wary of dominating a situation, as I feel this suffocates a child’s creativeness and individuality.

If there is one piece of advice I can give anyone when it comes to their children, (well for today that is), is this; as long as you, as a parent, have provided the best foundations and building blocks for your child’s future, that you can; then there is nothing more that you can do but support the decisions that they make in life. Ultimately your child will draw on all the experiences, knowledge and advice that you have provided in their younger years that will help them choose the best future for them, that is theirs’ to create.

So today goes out to all of us who have done the brave thing and let our children’s individuality and personality shine. Instead of trying to put them in the boxes that society of old has dictated, just let your child be free to make their own decisions.

Let them empower themselves with the knowledge that their future is in their own hands. And if at any time they may find they need the support or advice of yesteryear that they can still turn to you as the one constant in their lives.

I don’t need a Rocket Scientist.

I have a son to be proud of who, at nineteen, will continue his journey in life making informed decisions that are best for his life. Those decisions may not be the best for my life, or his younger brothers’ and sisters’ lives, but they are the right choices for his life.

What counts is this; he found a job that makes him happy.

I think it’s sometimes easy for us to forget to celebrate our children’s achievements no matter how big or small they may be. With that in mind, when someone next asks me, what age do children start being adults; my reply will be, when they’re ready.

The transition from High School to Work

Congratulations my son on finding your first full time position.

Please leave your comments, suggestions or if you’d rather post us a message below, with your queries and we’ll answer you as honestly and quickly as possible within 24 hours.

I had the day off work today, playing nurse maid to my number one Nanny, he coughed and spluttered while the kids and I watched news reports of the Swine Flu, oblivious to the fact that it could be erupting in our household. I think I’d prefer the Swine Flu to the Man Flu, but we won’t dwell on that. A flu that hits men once every few years and turns them into the state of a reborn 10 year old. Thank goodness its only every few years!! Ieremia is now on the mend and still a little lethargic but I think tomorrow will be a good day for me to get some rest, by going to work.

I’ve somewhat digressed from today’s topic, it actually came to me after eating my 3^rd piece of Pizza that my 2^nd eldest son had bought home from work. I know as a parent that I sometimes wonder if all that I am doing is contributing towards the success of my children, and if the knowledge that I am imparting to them is helping them to achieve this goal. But I think that firstly I have to phrase this question … what is success? I know for me personally what success would be, but is that the same gauge that I would use for my child’s success?

I think not.

My 3 eldest children are 16, 17 and 19, and as the years have past I’ve often wondered if I could have done anything differently to help them be the people that they want to be. That’s the key word here, “the people they want to be”. In an earlier blog, I had written of my dreams for my eldest son. I had to give myself a reality check and realize that they were my dreams not his dreams. I believe that the mark of your children’s success is along the same line of thought.

I have always wanted my children to be good people. It is the one thing that I have often stressed to them when trying times have arisen. I cannot complain, my teenagers are good people.

One of the many obstacles i'm sure my teenagers will turn into successes

The eldest has secured his first job and although he has had casual employment over the past 6 months, he never considered enrolling on the Unemployment benefit; he just soldiered on, getting odd jobs until securing a full time position.

He had initially wanted to go to University, but decided to take a year off schooling to taste the real world.

While he was still at High School he had worked at a local video store but was made redundant around February this year. He persevered and found another position at a local coffee shop, as a Kitchen hand, unfortunately that business also met hard times and closed down around 3 months ago. Since then he’s done odd jobs through his Rugby club and family and has survived without needing government assistance.

Is that success? I can’t complain, I would have to say he has achieved what he set out to do.

I’ve found over the years that we all can’t be academic; we all can’t be Doctors, Lawyers and Accountants. What would we do without Managers, Plumbers, Carpenters, Chefs, Team Leaders, Labourers, Nurses, Teachers Aids, Receptionists, Customer Service Advisors, Checkout Operators, Baristas and even Cleaners?

Some of us gauge success on the almighty dollar and how many we can accumulate, others gauge success on how socially powerful they are, others may gauge their success on being able to wake up each morning with a happy face. Before each of my children under 17 goes to bed at night they kiss me and say “See you in the morning Mum with a happy face”. If they can achieve what they have set their mind to do, then that to me is success.

Tomorrow I’d like to continue the 2^nd part of How Do You Gauge Your Teenager’s Success? Tune in, same bat channel, same bat time *giggles*

Ruben Studdard – Celebrate Me Home

Have you got your cup of coffee?

Okay, so let’s get right into it … Labour and Delivery, well at least Labour and “Labor Pain Management” .

I’m absolutely positive I won’t be able to cover everything in this post alone, but I’m sure we can make a start.

From a personal perspective I’d have to say that my preference is Labour and the “Labour Pain Management” side of things, delivery has not always been my strongest point although some of my Midwives would probably disagree.

20 Minutes before Number 6 was born

I guess the first thing I should address is what is Labor? I’m sure you could Google that reference and get many explanations, but for me, it has to be simple and easy to understand, so my definition for Labour would be the hard work that your body does so that you may deliver your baby. Of course, I’m assuming that a vaginal delivery will be the outcome, although, women having unplanned caesarean sections can attest to experiencing those same Labour pains.

In terms of the feeling of Labour pains, I’d have to say that for me the experience has been like period pains but more intense. Almost like someone has grabbed a section just above my pubic bone and is squeezing it with all their might at regular intervals. I believe that’s why labor pains are also called contractions, because they squeeze in, well contract. I have heard of pain also being felt in the lower back or at the tops of the thighs. But from personal experience it’s the lower stomach and just above the bikini line.

I remember when I went into labour with my first son asking my older sister, Caroline, during the early stages of Labor, I was getting fairly mild twinges, “ummm, is this as bad as it gets?”, she looked at me reassuringly and said “yes”. What a lie!! That was around 3pm in the afternoon sitting outside McDonalds, eating burgers; I gave birth at 11.45pm that night. I was in labour for almost 26 hours with my eldest son, from the very first twinges to delivery.

Labour and delivery can be a beautiful process

But moving along … My 5 biggest tips for managing the pain of Labor are:

1. Change your focus / Refocus

Instead of waiting for each and every contraction to arrive, distract yourself. I’ve found that doing something that preoccupies my mind works a treat, like the tried and true house cleaning. Pull out the mop and start cleaning those floors. Spring cleaning during labour works wonders.

You may also want to find a focal point like a set of pictures that you get lost in.

Another great tip when contractions become stronger and closer together is at the beginning of the contraction to focus on your clenched fist, tense your whole body up at the same time and as you slowly open your fist, relax your entire body with the action. Imagine that your whole body is becoming limp as you start to unclench each individual finger slowly. By the time your whole fist is open, the contraction would have past.

I’ve even used Ieremia to refocus, trusting that he will do all that I need by just looking at him. Magically, or is that miraculously, he does. He speaks to me when I need to converse, stays quiet when I need the silence and panders to all my needs with what appears to be a hidden psychic ability. I’m sure some of you may have experienced the same connection with your partners during labour. Or maybe the messages from my own mind are so bent on refocusing that everything is as I need it to be.

2. Keep Active

If possible, and it’s not going to be medically detrimental to you or your baby to be born, stay as upright and active as possible. You may want to walk around to take the edge off your contractions. While you are walking relax your vaginal muscles.

I’ve also found that dancing is a great way to take your focus off the pain of the contractions. Gentle jiggling, swaying side to side.

You may also want to rock backwards and forwards over the back of a seat.

3. Listen To Soothing Or Relaxing Music

I think music is one of my most favourite for helping me to relax and refocus. During my pregnancy I experiment with different types of music and keep a note of what best works for me. I then compile a CD of that favourite Music to play as I labour.

Music has been a vital part of any of my deliveries. So much so that some Midwives, Doctors and Specialists have not believed I am close to delivery because I am so calm, but on checking they are hugely surprised … she’s fully dilated!! Which means that my body is ripe and ready to start pushing my baby out.

Music transcends all, and if you can allow yourself to be taken away with your favourite beats and rhythms and get lost in the pain, then by all means do so! Singing is a great release, no one will care about the tune, but you will feel energized.

4. Take A Bath Or Shower

Water is extremely soothing during labour. I usually shower not long before delivery. It can be as long as a couple of hours before delivery and as short as 30 minutes before delivery. The sensation of the warm water pelting down on your stomach is incredibly relieving.

I’ve done a combination of showering, listening to music, singing and dancing while in labour. Anything to take the focus off the pain.

I believe water births are quite common these days. Not something that I had considered or ventured to do, but I can relate to why they are so popular.

5. Go With The Pain

Often when we experience pain our first reaction is to tense up. This infact can intensify the pain. There has been a great amount of fear when I have laboured and delivered, but once I get to a point where I just go with the pain, it all melts away and everything becomes more manageable.

If you find yourself at this point, just accept that the pain is part of the process to bring your baby into the world and the reward is that you will very soon see your baby. Relax your entire body, starting from your shoulders, right down to the muscles of your vagina, and visualise your baby easily being delivered. You’ll be holding your baby soon. Focus on the outcome, not the pain.

I know it may be hard for you to visualise, but the pain will only be for a short time, compared to the years of joy that your child will bring you.

Almost ready to deliver

So there you go, those are my top 5 tips for managing the pain of childbirth.

I use a mantra during my most intense contractions, just before I will deliver my baby and that mantra is, usually said just under my breath or to myself “My baby is going to be here soon, just a little while longer”.

During the labour of my first baby I opted for Gas and a Pethidine (also known as Demerol) injection, once my son was delivered he was a bit jittery and when I asked my Doctor why he was this way she told me it was due to the side effects of the Pethidine.

The Pethidine is supposed to numb or dull the contractions and is administered, at that time, 1990, by an injection to the buttocks.

The Gas is given through a mask that you cover your face with, and you are able to turn increase or decrease the flow to yourself. I found that the gas made me feel nauseous and I at one stage felt that I was stuck to the roof.

I have since had 9 of my births without any pain relief due to the above experience. I’m better for it, my children have been better for it.

A woman’s body is made to carry and deliver children, it’s a function of our anatomy and I think if natural ways and options of coping with the pain are provided then the need for drugs becomes unnecessary.

During my delivery in America, it seemed almost routine that an Epidural or some form of drug relief would be required and they were preparing me for this while I laboured. I had already told Ieremia to ensure I was not administered any pain relief, even if I insisted on it and thankfully he ensured this did not occur.

And so that brings me to the end of my first blog on dealing with labour pain, I had hoped to touch also on delivery, but that’s for another day.

Once again, if you should have any questions, please feel free to email me – roseanne at 4my11kids.com. (Due to spambots I have had to remove the @ symbol for my email address, but more on this another time).