Sharing Our Experiences

So this is a bit of a state the obvious post today.

Ive decided that the best way to approach most things is to start at the beginning and so where else is a better place then conception.

In order to have a baby, at sometime and place the baby has to be made and unless you werent given that essential, “where do babies come from” talk then we may have a few issues with discussing the following but im assuming that we’re all on the same page.

There are many old wives tales on conception and id have to say that from experience alot of them are pure, for lack of a better word, bollocks. Otherwise known as myth, I think thats the word I should have looked for and written but bollocks paints the appropriate picutre.

I remember being told about the different positions that could ensure the birth of a boy or a girl, or even twins and umm, I cant say that any of them has worked, and yet you will still find those that will swear by a certain position bringing them the sex of their child. I’ll have to dispel that myth now because unfortunately it comes down to coincidence.

Im no medical expert, my claim is to having conceived, given birth, raised and raising 11 children, so experience, research and a heap of common sense is where im able to assist.

What I can tell you is no myth, in terms of certain sexual positions, and that is the actual falling pregnant part of things. In order to conceive natually, sex is required, and so there are positions that may assist with conception.

Start your research here and you may be very surprised with the information provided on this topic alone.

I’ve had friends that have had major issues with conceiving but after a drunken night have found themselves pregnant … and here’s my take on that … when you’re trying for a baby you sometimes forget about the whole love making and intimacy with each other and concentrate on … making a baby. It becomes alot more tense and stressful for both parties because of the expectation that this sexual act will deliver a baby. In simple terms, you’ll find that after a few alcoholic beverages everything loosens up and becomes alot more relaxed … bingo! .. PREGNANT.

When you’re looking to conceive, remember that its still about making love and not about having a baby. Dont complicate matters by trying to create a baby and instead make it all about enjoying each other and the intimacy you are sharing.

I believe, preparing for childbirth is an essential part of the delivery process. So, I thought I would start writing about the birth experiences of my children, and I have eleven of them to share.

So, if you’re queasy, or made uneasy, about any issues involving childbirth, then maybe you should stop here.

Over the next few weeks, I’ll start with my most recent birth and work my way backwards.

I’ve had ten vaginal births, one pain relief assisted vaginal birth (my very first) and my last birth is an elective caesarean section. Although on reflection I regret this decision, but without having experienced this alternative form of birth I would have no insight, but more on this later.

My first birth was a little different. But the nine that followed were a walk in the park, almost no drama deliveries.

Part of the reason they were easy births, is because I have a routine in preparing for childbirth with all my deliveries.

In most cases, the births have been at night, or more so, the wee hours of the morning.

And it usually starts like this …

I would wake up from a sleep, with twinges, those first contractions. I would get up and walk around a bit to ensure I am in fact in labour.

And, after confirming a few more contractions, I automatically do the following:

1. Have a bowel movement

When I first carried my eldest, I was told a story of how a woman had given birth and soiled herself during the process. Apparently this is quite common due to the pressure on one’s bowel, when the baby comes through the birth canal. But there is absolutely no way that I wanted this to happen to myself.

I was also told that in the days of my mother’s pregnancies, that an enema was sometimes given to women giving birth to clear their bowels out. I believe this practice no longer exists, for I have never been offered this option.

This is the main reason I have a bowel movement before EVERY delivery. And thanks to that first part of my routine, I have never had an issue with soiling myself.

It’s a personal choice to control this part of my delivery. But in having done so, I don’t really know if there is a big difference in having soiled myself or not, since there are so many other fluids that come out during the birth process.

2. Shower

It’s extremely important to me to be clean during my delivery. From head to toe. Infact my hair is usually still wet after I give birth, purely because before I deliver baby, I bun it up, and after delivery, I let it down.

I also have an extremely sensitive nose, inherited from my mother I believe. Although it is common during pregnancy to have a sensitive nose, I have one when I’m not pregnant.

3. Ensure I have all my things packed and ready for the hospital

I have an after birth routine, usually within an hour of delivery, so I need to make sure I have a change of clothes, all my toiletries, change of clothes for baby, snacks, books, paper and pen. I would’ve prepared most if not all of these about two weeks to three weeks before due date.

There is a whole list of things that I compile and take with me, to the hospital, in preparing for childbirth, but most important of all is a CD player, and of course my birth CD.

I have a CD recording of a compilation of music (songs as well as instrumentals). These would be songs that were soothing or favourites during this pregnancy. I have one of these CD’s(initally they were cassette tapes)for each and every birth.

In one of my pregnancies, Ieremia asked if I could have the baby to a specific song. He even recorded it in the middle of the CD, like track 8 out of 18 total tracks.

As corny as it sounds, as he played that CD, those earlier songs were soothing, and helped me prepare for the birthing moment, and when I heard that particular song, I knew it was time. This helped me start pushing out my baby.

Nowadays, one would probably have an ipod, or another mp3 player handy, make a playlist, which one would play in the backround. It really sets a tone. Like anxious anticipation, yet calming at the same time. For me, having music take the edge off, in the birthing room helps me so, so, much ease into the birth, which enables me to have one of my life’s beautiful experience, even moreso.

4. Ring the midwife

It’s a requirement to ring the Midwife before going to the Hospital, and in most cases they will meet me there. But I have had a couple of occasions where the Midwife has come home first to check my progress.

It’s usually very nice to have a familiar face when I arrive at the Hospital.

5. Wake up the new Daddy to be.

Because most of my deliveries are in the early hours of the morning, I will usually go about my routine first and then wake up the new Daddy. He needs his sleep because there’s a long journey ahead. Usually it gives him time to get his bits ‘n’ pieces together, get his bearings, and doing the last minute, quick check before we leave; ensuring we have everything before we leave.

6. Leave for the Hospital

I had always wanted a home birth, but never quite got the courage up to have one. I’m a bit of a “Worry Willy” when it comes to issues after the delivery. I’ve often been told by my Midwives that I should’ve given birth at home, due to the fact that the births are not only trouble free but also fast. But for me it’s the extra security of being at the hospital should any medical emergency arrive during, or especially after the delivery.

So, there it is.

This routine has served me well, like absolute clockwork. And it has varied very little.

I think there has only been one change. It was once to item number 4. And that was when I gave birth in America. Only because a midwife wasn’t assigned to me, as it is automatically done for me here. I just turned up to the hospital, and a whole cast of characters, of up to 7 or 8 professionals in what looked like space suits, helped me bring out my 6th child, in what seemed to me the most cold and sterile environment I’ve ever experienced.

To be sure, I’ll write more on this later.

And it must be said, I love giving birth here in New Zealand.

Ieremia agrees.

So, there goes a little peek into what I do in preparing for childbirth, that makes delivery a little easier for me.

The start of that routine, up to the delivery of baby, has taken us as little as an hour(especially since I live 7 minutes from hospital, by car), but it’s usually like an hour and a half to two.

Much like after the baby is born, a set routine can make what can be a difficult task, manageable, and for me, easy.

I am certain, that this is also major contributing factor to and why, I, as well as Ieremia, enjoy having our babies.

I’ll go into more in-depth details, especially managing pain, as I describe each individual delivery.

Nearly a month ago I had the pleasure of being part of the Parenting Panel for the Good Morning Show and the discussion was around the hows and whys of family size.

I definitely have an opinion on this topic but I think that being part of a panel enables a set of opinions that can be diverse but well rounded. I feel I was able to impart my feelings towards this topic but also felt that I didn’t articulate myself as well as I could have due being put “on the spot” via live television.

On review of the panel discussion I can honestly say that there were only 2 topics that I wished to expand further on and 1 faux pas, that I have since apologized for, to Lisa O’Neill the Gluten Free Fairy. I think it was more of a blubber before speaking than a faux pas.

This is the beauty of having a website, where I am able to rewind, rewrite and explain.

The first comment that I would like to expand on is that “we never struggle financially”. What I meant to say is that we don’t struggle financially because of having 11 children; we do however have moments that we juggle/struggle due to our own mismanagement of our funds. Our financial wizardry or lack thereof is due to our errors, not the fact that we have 11 children.

Second of all, was the comment of not using hand-me-downs. We do not use hand-me-downs from children over the age of 3, however, we gladly and thankfully accept 2nd hand clothing when offered. We do have family, friends and friends of family who have offered bulk lots of clothes.

You may ask what is the difference and to me the difference is this; hand-me-downs are when an older child within our family hands down a piece of clothing to a younger sibling and this piece of clothing continues to be handed down to the next, etc, etc. 2nd hand clothing is good quality, pre-loved clothing, not something worn by an older sibling before you. And then there is sharing clothes, of which happens often in our household, but this is a choice of each individual child and is a topic in itself to possibly be blogged at a later date.

I wanted to articulate the fact that I believe in each child’s individuality. This can be expressed through their own dress sense and of the knowing that an item of clothing is theirs. Prior to the age of 2-3, a child is usually not able to express their own dress sense or ownership of an item. So I have used hand-me-downs for some but not all of my children from birth to approximately 3 years of age.

What does irk me to furious frustration, are those that have families, whether they be large or small, where there isn’t adequate means for providing for their children. Either, financially, emotionally, physically, or spiritually. Moreover the parents that have no intention of planning for the current children they do have, let alone the ones they would continue to have.

I have heard of some horror stories in this area, to the point where some parents have had children to collect extra financial/welfare assistance from the government. I believe that most people in the developed world have heard the same stories.

It makes my stomach churn to hear such stories. Children are not a commodity, and should not be treated as such. Each child is their own individual being and should have the opportunity to extend their abilities, creativity and personality to infinity and beyond, if that is what they choose. As parents we should aspire to providing these opportunities and lessons in our children’s lives.

But enough rantings about “how to make a poor decision in having a new child”.

Being the Mother of 11, I wanted to project that the decision on how many children one has is determined by a number of risk factors. And, to have 11 children versus 1 child is no reflection on a Mother or her ability to be a Mother. My very own opinion is that the number of children is not a risk factor in and of itself. It is how any child, regardless of their placing in the family is nurtured, loved, supported and raised. However, some of the following points will impact family size decisions

• Previous pregnancy and delivery experience / Medical Conditions

If the first pregnancy and/or delivery had been problematic, some may choose to count their blessings that they have one child and to not continue on. For some this may occur at a 2nd, 3rd or 4th child, for me it was after 10 vaginal births (9 of which were drug free). Number 11 was physically, mentally and emotionally draining and I opted for an elective caesarean. There is always the possibity that there is a medical condition which may prohibit further births.

• Finances

The standard of living that one enjoys is a major consideration for the addition of another child. From a personal perspective, this has never had a great bearing on whether I would have more children. Majorly due to the fact that I have learnt of what is absolutely essential for a newborn child without breaking the bank. (A list of which I will detail in the very near future). My focal point in having our new baby is to provide a secure, healthy, happy and safe environment for each child. I must stress here that prior to the age of about 3, maybe as early as 2, a child isn’t able to determine what label, even a style, or an amount it cost to clothe them. I am very partial to hand-me-downs/2nd hand clothing prior to this age as the practicality of the items far outweighs my desire to be a trendy or fashionable parent. I have never thought of any of my children as a fashion accessory. However, for those that have the disposable income, there is nothing wrong with providing the best of your abilities. That’s what counts, providing the best of your abilities with the finances that you have.

• Family Support

It has been said, and written, that “it takes a village to raise a child”, and I must admit, my children have had their fair share of “village” input. I would use the Samoan definition of that village as being my family and extended family. And for some couples isolation from a family unit can hinder one from extending their family. This is understandable, but for others they are able to build a family unit from friends or other non-relatives. For me, having my parents, brothers and sisters, along with their individual families, and their continual familial support, has made it that much easier for me to accept a new addition into my brood.

• Age

In these developed times the average birthing age has increased. I find myself being surrounded by many women in their first pregnancy at the age of 30-35 and some older. By the age of 30 I had given birth to 6 children, and completed my family at the age of 38. Age is a determining factor for those older mothers, as their biological clocks may only allow for a certain number of pregnancies. However, due to recent technology, the risk factors for even these mothers have been lowered, and the world can be found to have mothers, some even first time mothers, still giving birth in their 50’s and 60’s.

• Experiences in raising your child/children

I am no Scientist but I do know this much … had I given birth to my first 2 children 11 months apart in my initial pregnancies, or even possibly a multiple birth, I may very well have not had 11 children. For some it comes down to purely and simply, how they coped with raising the first child or their experiences in dealing with the first child. It may have been a highly stressful situation, the child may have been sick, it may have been a multiple birth, but for whatever reason there was a personal decision made that the number of current children you have is all the time, patience and resources you are able to muster for that number.

But luckily for me, I experienced this only in my last pregnancy. So I have enjoyed to the full extent, the joy of giving birth to each of my 11 children, and am now enjoying watching them grow in their own time, in their own way, into wonderful little human beings.

So in closing, the number of children one should have, would in my opinion always be determined by your own unique set of personal circumstances. What I do recommend however, is that should one decide to have a large family, I cannot impress more that one should do this with the full knowledge that it will be extremely satisfying!!

And that satisfaction will be tempered, but nevertheless, worthwhile, because it came with an equal amount of blood, sweat, tears, tantrums and 2 huge helpings of patience.

Love each and everyone of your children with your all, regardless of the number you have. The world is so much more better when a child is raised to contribute to that world, instead of fighting against it.

Good luck with whatever you may decide and always feel free to contact us for a yarn or 2 or 3.

Ask Ieremia some of those curly questions.

Actually the name of this part of 4my11kids.com should be appropriately called:

Waaaaaaaaaaasup Ieremia!!

Being a stay at home Dad to 11, it is certainly filled with its ups and downs, but mostly they’re still fun times.

So you may want to ask me how this is so, or some otherquestions like:

• How did you decide to stay at home with your children, instead of earning the do re mi
• What did you say when roseanne said, “Honey, we’re pregnant, again”
• How is it rearing 4 children 5 years old and under?
• Where do you find the time to play rugby?
• When do you get to do other “manly” things, like washing the dishes, folding the washing, cleaning the toilets, and my ultimate favorite, cooking dinner/tea?.
• When to fudge on that movie rating for your teens.
• What to do with the kids while you change the oil, and rotate the tyres.
• How to differentiate from a slight bump in the head to a severe gash that  needs medical attention.
• What to say to your teen when he or she says, “Can my girlfriend/boyfriend sleep over tonight?”
• What to say to your 6 year old when he says, “When I grow up,  I too will get hair down there, huh dad?”
• What to say to the kindie teacher when she says, “When is your blond hair coming back?”
• “Where’s the rest of your dress?”  To your partner or teen when they say, “I’m just going to the shop for a top up card”
• Sex tonight?  what again, doesnt lunch and breakfast count?

So, go ‘head and ask me any of those burning questions and i’ll get back to you within 24 hours (or thereabouts)… Dear Ieremia … all thats needed is YOUR question.