Sharing Our Experiences

As part of our appearance on TVNZ’s Tagata Pasefika this week, I’ve decided to go with a smoking theme for both our Weekly Feature and the Too Hard To Discuss section.

Fast Tube by Casper

I’m sure this question is asked by many a parent who is faced with this problem – “I have a smoking teenager, what should I do?”

Let common sense prevail, “Quick, grab a bucket of water and put them out!” Okay, okay, not the best of jokes, but lets inject some humour into this before we get carried away with the seriousness of this topic.

As there is with all issues that come with teenagers, there are some things you may attempt to instil at a young age, and then there are others that happen regardless of how much you have tried to instil at a younger age.

In most instances the first step toward avoiding or correcting a problem is knowledge.

Talk to your child about the effects of smoking before this happens. By doing this, will enable them to make better decisions when the eventual peer-pressure-driven time comes. If you are able to teach your child some simple techniques or role plays so that when they are approached by their peers, or by other family members that smoke or by anyone else, to smoke, they will be prepared.

And they will have a response that will enable them to cope with these situations. This may in turn, enable them to cope with other situations where they feel socially pressured to do what is perceived as normal amongst their peers.

A coping mechanism if you will.

So lets start at the beginning and identify some of the reasons that this question would even be one that you are asking.

Statistics show that one, some, or all of the following may contribute to the reason your child may smoke.

Keep in mind, that statistics usually indicate what has generally been found, but there are always exceptions to the rule:

1. The child may be from a low income background.
2. They may have a group of friends or siblings who accept, use and encourage smoking.
3. Their Parents are smokers or smoked during a part of that childs life.
4. The child is easily able to access or buy cigarettes.
5. They may have no social support from or involvement with their parents.
6. The child may have low or no self-esteem or low self-image.

There you have it, a bit of a background on the “I have a smoking teenager” side of things and why your teenager may be smoking, but now to the second part of your question …

“What should I do?”

Let me tell you a little story about my own experiences with a smoking teenager.

A story involving my 2 eldest sons and only recently, my eldest daughter.

I was somewhat prepared that this would occur, purely because I had smoked while I carried all of them, smoked around them as they were growing up, and continued to smoking until I quit 2 years ago.

Not the best role model for my children, then, and this is one of the biggest reasons why I decided to quit. To be a better role model for my children.

As a smoker I had tried to discourage my children from smoking by telling them, “Only stupid people smoke”.

That was a little hard for them to comprehend, especially since the Mum they love so much and look up to, was telling them this. Fag in hand, puffing away, without a worry in the world.

I guess it was incredibly hard for them, considering they had grown up around it. And as much as I tried to educate them on the reasons why they should not smoke, it still came down to the basic … My Mum is smoking so it must be alright.

(either that OR they’re thinking, “My Mum is stupid, and so am I”) hahaha

Over the years I would ask them if they had experimented with cigarettes or if they were even thinking about experimenting. And what if anything made them curious about the smoking. I was very concious of the fact that because I was a smoker, my children had a big chance of being smokers themselves. But I secretly hoped that the day would never come that they would ever say to me, that they had tried the dreaded and highly addictive drug.

But that day came soon enough, for my eldest boy when he was around 12 years old. He was caught with a group of other boys smoking. And at the time they werent sure if he was smoking but for sure he was tainted by association. But he told me that he had been smoking.

I then gave him the big talk on the evils of smoking, the terrible things the nicotine does to ones health, breath, teeth, the talk, the whole talk and nothing but the talk. And it appeared that he was on his path to smokefree heaven and had been put off.

Wrong!

After spending a bit of time as a social smoker, it looks like my eldest son is a full blown smoker.

What should I do?

As I have always done, and as I still do … I go over the information I have provided beforehand and hope that he will eventually return to the non smoker that he was born as.

Or at least once he was expelled from my womb.

In most cases I give my children rewards or consequences for their actions.

However, due to the addictive nature of smoking it is hard to say, “If you dont stop smoking, you’ll be grounded”. I’ve tried and it just makes the smoking that much more precious so that the child becomes deceitful and starts to lie about their behaviour.

Another lesson learnt for me, so I do what seems best … just keep communicating.

Remember to let them know your disappointment in their decision to smoke and why.

But at this stage, its good to switch tactics. For, Ive found that going over the psychology of smoking works so much more better for my teenagers than bleating on about the evils of smoking as I did when they were tweens and younger.

At this stage of my teens lives, I tell them my “smoke” story. I enjoy educating them on what I found caused me to smoke, why I gave up, how they can give up and the overall effects of the addictive nicotine on their thinking and lifestyle.

My daughter was upfront and honest in one of our discussions, I knew she had been having the occassional puff with cousins and friends but it shortly turned into full blown smoking. I initially tried to pretend like it wasn’t happening, but that didnt last long.

I prefer to live in the real world instead of the fantasy world where I am a perfect Mother with 11 perfect children.

Oh hang on, I think I am! *giggles*

After much discussion, my daughter and I came to a few agreements in terms of her smoking. We decided that out of respect for her Grandparents, Aunties and Uncles, myself and Ieremia she would not smoke in the presence of any of us. We also decided that she would not smoke in front of her younger siblings, as smoking is behaviour we discourage.

You may say or think that my strategy is akin to a “if you can’t beat em, join em” mentality, but I like to think that it’s closer to a strategy of “if you can’t beat ‘em, educate them”, for you can’t beat this out of them, you can hope to contain it.

As for my 2nd eldest son he has experimented in his early teens, as his older brother and younger sister did, as a social smoker, but to date, it appears to have given up on becoming a full blown smoker.

And this is a great thing!

In finishing I want to impress a few things:

• Dont make smoking something that your teenager will find precious by forbidding it. Your teenager will only want to smoke more.
• Both my parents were non-smokers but 3 out of 4 of my siblings, including me, all smoked
• Educate your teenager on the effects of smoking, highlight family, friends and loved ones that have died as a result of smoking related illnesses so that the causes and effect of smoking, become more realistic to them. As well as discuss current smokers in their lives and the negative aspects of smoking on that person, ie: bad breathe, yellow teeth, yellow fingers, bad smelling, easily irritable.
• Set a plan for your teen to quit, discuss the plan often so that when they are ready to kick the habit, you can swing it straight into action
• Celebrate their achievements in kicking the habit no matter how small, it’s a step closer to them returning to their smokefree selves. Remember, that the average smoker that has quit, has repeatedly tried to stop smoking, on average 14 times, before they eventually quit. So celebrate this.

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