Sharing Our Experiences

Most recently I missed my appearance on the Good Morning Show concerning children and chores due to my daughter going into labour. I managed to watch the show and enjoyed the comments and advice but thought id share my thoughts on how your child can help with your list of household chores, or at least how my children do.

All our children help with our list of household chores, right from Mr 20 down to Miss 2. Each and every individual in our household has a responsibility to our family and to ensuring we live in a clean and tidy space and chores are a great way of teaching not only responsibility but also pride in ones work. But believe you me, our household is not an immaculately sparkling kept place!

We usually start at a young age with little things like picking up after themselves.

Toddlers love to help and as soon as they are able to tip out the toy box, they are old enough to pick up those toys and put them back into the toy box. After showers the toddlers can help by putting their dirty washing in the laundry and wiping up the bathroom floor. They are easy tasks but you will find that your toddler will be excited to help and love the praise given when completing a set task.

Praise is important when starting to teach chores.

Children like to please and if positive enforcement is given then they will continue to complete tasks without too much fuss. It is important to also remember that if taught right from a young age, this will usually carry through to their older years.

So when teaching your toddlers to pick up after themselves, ensure its ALL the toys they took out and not just a couple and be persistent in having them finish off the job. Its fine to help, helping is another skill that you can show your child while cleaning up.

As your child gets older, between 5-7 then keeping their room clean, making their beds and washing dishes can be added to their list of household chores. At this age you can start to have them help preparing food or cooking. All our children from 6 upwards make their own lunches before going to school. During preparation of the evening meal, they are encouraged to help with peeling vegetables, clearing benches, stirring mixtures and tidying up after the person cooking.

As for those that are 10-20 years of age, they do all the outside work, clearing up and putting out the rubbish and recycling, washing the clothes, hanging it out to dry and folding individual piles for the owners to put away.

All our children are expected to keep their bedrooms tidy and each morning the routine is usually: to wake up, make their bed, tidy their room, shower, eat breakfast, make lunch, tidy up after themselves and get to school on time.

We are able to gauge alot from our children in their help with our list of household chores, first and foremost is whether they complete the job to the standard that they have been shown. Your child starts to be proud of their achievements at home and a sparkling bathroom, perfectly vaccuumed hallway or the smell of clean washing can help to identify a “job well done” to your child. They feel a sense of accomplishment and achievement when provided praise for a completed task. Eventually consistent praise will not be required because they will be proud of their own efforts. Chores also engender self pride in ones efforts and seeing a task through to completion.

We also see chores as a way of each child contributing towards our family as a whole.

They may not be able to pay the bills, put food on the table, or ensure they have clothes and shoes to wear but they can help by sharing in the list of household chores.

Our families list of household chores is split up into 3 major parts: the living room – washing, hallway, stairs and foyer; the kitchen/dining room and finally the bathrooms/toilets, rubbish and recycling. These have been the 3 major chores since our 20 year old was 5 and has been split amongst our children as each got to a capable age.

Now that our teenagers receive an income they have come up with their own creative plan to evade the 3 major chores. The 3 eldest pay pocket money to their 3 younger siblings. This doesnt mean that they dont still help around the house, because they do … our teens are the washing, rubbish, recycling and outside yard cleanup crew.

We also had conditions on pocket money, as we have never made it a practice to pay our children for doing chores, it is their responsibility as a member of this family to help out and since we already house, feed and clothe our children, pocket money isnt a necessity. But with our 3 eldest children they had become busy with sports practices, work, study and other commitments that they believed they could achieve this easier through having the younger children do their share of the 3 major chores. And so the new chore regime began. Each week our 3 eldest pay their 13, 11 and 10 year old brothers and sister $20.00 each, of which $15.00 is deposited into their bank accounts and $5 is given to each child to spend as they please.

And what happens you may say when the chore is not done or when someone doesnt do their chore correctly … easy!

1. If your chore is not completed correctly within 45 minutes then you will be required to complete all 3 chores for the next week
2. If the chore is done within 45 minutes but not correctly, you will complete that chore again until it is done correctly and if it goes over your allocated 45 minutes then option 1 applies!

Most of the time because of the above, we have no issue with chores and if there is, you will find one of our children washing every single dish, pot and spoon in our kitchen!

There has to be consequences for lack of contribution to our list of household chores. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind to ensure that your children complete set tasks … tenacity, self pride, responsibility and job satisfaction is something that the adult world doesnt wait to be learnt, so save a stitch in time and teach your child now … that way they’ll be prepared for those adult steps!

They are one of childhoods greatest annoyances but unfortunately something that will happen to our children regardless of how clean you scrub them!! All 11 of my children have had headlice at some stage of their lives, however, there is a headlice treatment that you can use without the need for chemicals.

Surrounded by many myths headlice are a condition that can be easily treated, without the need for expensive chemical preparations or electrical combs. I’ll also provide you with some tips for keeping your childs hair nit free where the only real cost is your time.

Myths about headlice:

Headlice are not caused by lack of hygiene

• Infact Headlice prefer a clean scalp to lay their eggs, but that still does not guarantee your child will not get Headlice

Headlice cannot swing from one persons head to another

• Infestation occurs when Headlice crawl into another persons head.  Headlice have no wings and cannot fly, and also have no hind legs to give them the ability to jump.

Headlice have no prejudice for ethnicity, age, gender or level of income

• Regardless of any of the above your child is still prone to catching Headlice.  It is lack of the correct information or education that allows the spread of Headlice.

Headlice cannot be caught through swimming

• Headlice go into a state of animation when swimming and cling to the hair during any activity that involves the hair.  Headlice can be caught from using the towel of another infested child, but they cannot be transmitted through the swimming pool water.

What do Headlice and their eggs look like?

Headlice are usually brown, black or clear.  Their eggs are usually a yellowish colour.

Headlice and their eggs at different stages

Now that we’ve covered the very basics of Headlice, lets get down to the nitty gritty of getting rid of them and ensuring a less likelihood of reinfestation!!

What you will need:

• Shampoo
• Conditioner
• Long toothed steel comb
• white cloth nappy, pillow case or similar
• Hair brush
• 4 hair ties if your child has long hair

The teeth on this comb are perfect

Once you have all your bits n pieces together you will need to follow the next steps to not only check your child’s hair for Headlice or Nits but also to rid your child’s hair of these blood sucking nasties:

1. Wash your child’s hair thoroughly with Shampoo.  Rinse and apply conditioner.  Do not rinse out the conditioner.
2. Wrap your childs hair up with a towel and get them out of the shower.
3. Put the cloth nappy or pillowcase across your childs shoulders and ensure there is enough coverage to drape down their back.
4. Sit your child between your legs, remove the towel and brush out any tugs or knots from their hair
5. If your child has very long hair, section the hair into 4 even parts.  A split down the middle and a split across the middle.  Tie off each section that will not be used and take the first section.
6. Using your steel toothed comb start with the free section of hair and comb through this part, ensuring you comb from the scalp to the very tip of that portion of hair.
7. Ensure that you pay special attention to behind the ears, crown and nape of the neck.
8. If your child has Headlice or Nits/Eggs, these will either fall onto the piece of white cloth or become embedded in the comb.  Check the comb after each combing and remove the headlice and nits/eggs from the comb by using the white cloth.
9. For any headlice that are found, clip these between your thumb nails to kill them and ensure they do not crawl back into the hair or fall on the surrounding area that you are using.
10. Once you have completed each section of hair, brush the hair as one and go through the hair one more time with the Steel toothed comb.
11. Wrap up the used cloth and place in a tied bag and place in a safe area for 2 weeks or wash in very hot water and dry in the sun.
12. Take the brush and steel toothed comb, remove any hair and place items into a container and fill with boiled water to sterilise.
13. Change the sheets, bedding and pillow cases on your childs bed to ensure no further infestation

There you have it!  13 easy steps for headlice treatment without the need for expensive preparations.

A cheesy smile for Head lice free hair!!

To ensure that reinfestation does not occur, I do the following EVERY DAY for the next 10 days.  If you child showers in the morning, complete the above steps 1-12 but wash out the conditioner.  In the evening, probably before bedtime, brush the dry hair to remove any tugs or knots and comb the hair with the steel toothed comb.  The dry combing will help to rid the hair of any Nits/Eggs.  If your child showers at night, then the reverse will be done.  Remember to comb your childs hair wet one time and dry the next.

You will start to notice that your child has no headlice or eggs, but it is important to finish off the 10 day process.  Just one live egg or one live louse can reinfect the child.

To maintain clean hair, if you ensure you comb your child’s hair with the steel toothed comb every 3 days, you can reduce the chance of your child’s hair being reinfested.

The process may seem tedious and time consuming but if you take it from the perspective that your child will shower daily and need to have their hair brushed anyway, then it may not seem so difficult.

It is a great practice to teach your child to brush their hair twice or more a day and to get into a routine of using a steel tooth comb themselves.  The more the hair is combed the better it is for your child in avoiding reinfestations.  On a positive note, their hair will be silky, shiny and healthy!

I hope this helps you with headlice treatment of your children.  It sure has helped our large family to stay headlice free, especially when the chance is that if one gets them, everyone will get them!!

As part of our appearance on TVNZ’s Tagata Pasefika this week, I’ve decided to go with a smoking theme for both our Weekly Feature and the Too Hard To Discuss section.

Fast Tube by Casper

I’m sure this question is asked by many a parent who is faced with this problem – “I have a smoking teenager, what should I do?”

Let common sense prevail, “Quick, grab a bucket of water and put them out!” Okay, okay, not the best of jokes, but lets inject some humour into this before we get carried away with the seriousness of this topic.

As there is with all issues that come with teenagers, there are some things you may attempt to instil at a young age, and then there are others that happen regardless of how much you have tried to instil at a younger age.

In most instances the first step toward avoiding or correcting a problem is knowledge.

Talk to your child about the effects of smoking before this happens. By doing this, will enable them to make better decisions when the eventual peer-pressure-driven time comes. If you are able to teach your child some simple techniques or role plays so that when they are approached by their peers, or by other family members that smoke or by anyone else, to smoke, they will be prepared.

And they will have a response that will enable them to cope with these situations. This may in turn, enable them to cope with other situations where they feel socially pressured to do what is perceived as normal amongst their peers.

A coping mechanism if you will.

So lets start at the beginning and identify some of the reasons that this question would even be one that you are asking.

Statistics show that one, some, or all of the following may contribute to the reason your child may smoke.

Keep in mind, that statistics usually indicate what has generally been found, but there are always exceptions to the rule:

1. The child may be from a low income background.
2. They may have a group of friends or siblings who accept, use and encourage smoking.
3. Their Parents are smokers or smoked during a part of that childs life.
4. The child is easily able to access or buy cigarettes.
5. They may have no social support from or involvement with their parents.
6. The child may have low or no self-esteem or low self-image.

Teach your kids skills to say NO to smoking

There you have it, a bit of a background on the “I have a smoking teenager” side of things and why your teenager may be smoking, but now to the second part of your question …

“What should I do?”

Let me tell you a little story about my own experiences with a smoking teenager.

A story involving my 2 eldest sons and only recently, my eldest daughter.

I was somewhat prepared that this would occur, purely because I had smoked while I carried all of them, smoked around them as they were growing up, and continued to smoking until I quit 2 years ago.

Not the best role model for my children, then, and this is one of the biggest reasons why I decided to quit. To be a better role model for my children.

No Mother of the Year Awards for this Smoker

As a smoker I had tried to discourage my children from smoking by telling them, “Only stupid people smoke”.

That was a little hard for them to comprehend, especially since the Mum they love so much and look up to, was telling them this. Fag in hand, puffing away, without a worry in the world.

I guess it was incredibly hard for them, considering they had grown up around it. And as much as I tried to educate them on the reasons why they should not smoke, it still came down to the basic … My Mum is smoking so it must be alright.

(either that OR they’re thinking, “My Mum is stupid, and so am I”) hahaha

Over the years I would ask them if they had experimented with cigarettes or if they were even thinking about experimenting. And what if anything made them curious about the smoking. I was very concious of the fact that because I was a smoker, my children had a big chance of being smokers themselves. But I secretly hoped that the day would never come that they would ever say to me, that they had tried the dreaded and highly addictive drug.

But that day came soon enough, for my eldest boy when he was around 12 years old. He was caught with a group of other boys smoking. And at the time they werent sure if he was smoking but for sure he was tainted by association. But he told me that he had been smoking.

I then gave him the big talk on the evils of smoking, the terrible things the nicotine does to ones health, breath, teeth, the talk, the whole talk and nothing but the talk. And it appeared that he was on his path to smokefree heaven and had been put off.

Wrong!

After spending a bit of time as a social smoker, it looks like my eldest son is a full blown smoker.

What should I do?

As I have always done, and as I still do … I go over the information I have provided beforehand and hope that he will eventually return to the non smoker that he was born as.

Or at least once he was expelled from my womb.

In most cases I give my children rewards or consequences for their actions.

However, due to the addictive nature of smoking it is hard to say, “If you dont stop smoking, you’ll be grounded”. I’ve tried and it just makes the smoking that much more precious so that the child becomes deceitful and starts to lie about their behaviour.

Another lesson learnt for me, so I do what seems best … just keep communicating.

Remember to let them know your disappointment in their decision to smoke and why.

But at this stage, its good to switch tactics. For, Ive found that going over the psychology of smoking works so much more better for my teenagers than bleating on about the evils of smoking as I did when they were tweens and younger.

At this stage of my teens lives, I tell them my “smoke” story. I enjoy educating them on what I found caused me to smoke, why I gave up, how they can give up and the overall effects of the addictive nicotine on their thinking and lifestyle.

Like mother Like daughter

My daughter was upfront and honest in one of our discussions, I knew she had been having the occassional puff with cousins and friends but it shortly turned into full blown smoking. I initially tried to pretend like it wasn’t happening, but that didnt last long.

I prefer to live in the real world instead of the fantasy world where I am a perfect Mother with 11 perfect children.

Oh hang on, I think I am! *giggles*

After much discussion, my daughter and I came to a few agreements in terms of her smoking. We decided that out of respect for her Grandparents, Aunties and Uncles, myself and Ieremia she would not smoke in the presence of any of us. We also decided that she would not smoke in front of her younger siblings, as smoking is behaviour we discourage.

You may say or think that my strategy is akin to a “if you can’t beat em, join em” mentality, but I like to think that it’s closer to a strategy of “if you can’t beat ‘em, educate them”, for you can’t beat this out of them, you can hope to contain it.

Ex smoker on the left and current smoker on the right

As for my 2nd eldest son he has experimented in his early teens, as his older brother and younger sister did, as a social smoker, but to date, it appears to have given up on becoming a full blown smoker.

And this is a great thing!

In finishing I want to impress a few things:

• Dont make smoking something that your teenager will find precious by forbidding it. Your teenager will only want to smoke more.
• Both my parents were non-smokers but 3 out of 4 of my siblings, including me, all smoked
• Educate your teenager on the effects of smoking, highlight family, friends and loved ones that have died as a result of smoking related illnesses so that the causes and effect of smoking, become more realistic to them. As well as discuss current smokers in their lives and the negative aspects of smoking on that person, ie: bad breathe, yellow teeth, yellow fingers, bad smelling, easily irritable.
• Set a plan for your teen to quit, discuss the plan often so that when they are ready to kick the habit, you can swing it straight into action
• Celebrate their achievements in kicking the habit no matter how small, it’s a step closer to them returning to their smokefree selves. Remember, that the average smoker that has quit, has repeatedly tried to stop smoking, on average 14 times, before they eventually quit. So celebrate this.

Click here to get more support in educating your teenager.

So, the new year has begun, and along with it there will be a new edition to our family.

Our 16 year old daughter Sharquille, is going to be having her first baby in April, 2010.

Initially it was a shock to us, and there was also alot of disappointment but after alot of tears and reflection I finally found a way to deal with the whole situation.

The bottom line is that my daughter will be giving birth and that in itself should be a celebration. It may have come along as a surprise and taken me aback for a short while but at the end of the day, baby is coming whether we are ready or not and so to make the best and most of this situation, we are all going to prepare, best we can to bring our new baby into a loving, supportive and positive family.

When we first found out, it was due to another situation that had arisen with one of Sharquille’s friends. We had found out that her friend was going to have an abortion and so believing that we should ensure this girl was supported by her parents, we decided to let her parents know through our own family network. Little did we realise that this would also provide the platform for Sharquille to tell us of her own pregnancy!

My first reaction was to wonder what I had done wrong as a parent … is there something I had overlooked and not been attentive enough to my daughter. That soon faded into the nothingness after I discussed further with Sharquille.

My belief is that abstinence is best, but should our teenagers decide to have sex, then it should be with the knowledge that they are opening themselves up to pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. Sharquille was aware of this and although I had taken her to the Doctors to put her on the pill, the truth is that sex can lead to pregnancy regardless of whether protection or contraception is used.

Im looking forward to the next few weeks, when my grandbaby will be born, and know that regardless of age Sharquille will go through the same emotions and feelings that any pending and new Mother will.

I have learnt that what matters most, is the world that my grandbaby will arrive in. There is no use trying to analyse the situation now, the birth is imminent and as a family it is our duty to our new edition, to be as supportive, loving and positive as we can be.

We all went through our own forms of acceptance, some of us found this stage harder than others. Our eldest son who is a youth worker had felt a type of betrayal that his sister had not confided in him. But for her it was difficult, and it truly showed the emotional maturity that she lacked. We didnt find out till she was 7 months pregnant, and for her the difficulty arose when faced with the consequences of telling us she was pregnant. Her own intentions had always been to keep her baby but she felt that if she had told us prior to this time, we may have decided that other alternatives were the best solution for her predicament … Sharquille did not want to abort her child. I myself are pro-choice, with a major leaning towards pro-life, so I could somewhat understand Sharquille’s decision to keep her pregnancy secret. At the end of the day, I am glad that she told us before the delivery occurred!

And what have I learnt from this experience, or what would I have done differently? I think that reflecting on the situation, as with any of my own pregnancies, circumstances will be different for everyone. Sharquille had finished school last year, due to her disruptive nature and lack of interest in education and gone into full time employment. She is currently back in school and receiving paid parental leave, due to being employed more than 12 months with her full time position. Her aim at school is to educate herself further so that she has a wider scope for future employment prospects or even the opportunity to attend University. Sharquille had somewhat stepped into an adult world once she left school and had been earning her own money, making alot of her own decisions before the pregnancy occurred. So I guess that for her, she feels that she is prepared for her baby to be born. The situation will definitely become more highlighted once he is born but for now Sharquille is working towards setting up a solid foundation for both herself and her child.

I think the only thing I may have done differently is to put her on a different type of contraception. The pill is difficult for me to remember to take and so maybe an alternative like DepoProvera would have been a better avenue for my daughter. We have always talked openly about sex and contraception, but I think another avenue for her to discuss such things would have been a positive step in the right direction. Maybe Family Planning or YrChoice would have been excellent avenues for extra support and information.

As my daughter is growing, so am I, in that I cant watch my children 24/7, I can only go back to what I know best, and that is to arm my children with the tools to make the right decisions for the situations they may find themselves in. Anything past that is out of my control for it is their own thinking and bodies that will react to those situations, not mine. Although Sharquille is going to be a young mother, it is how we approach the new baby that will define this lesson in life for Sharquille and our family … I believe we’re on the right track to providing the best environment that we can for our new baby … and for Sharquille … the world is still her oyster, even though she has a new baby to consider, she does it with the knowledge that our family will support her goals aspirations, ensuring that her child is the focal point of any decisions that she makes.

Thats me for now, over and out – Madea (thats supposedly the title that Sharquille sees fit for me instead of Granny or Grandma, regardless of the title, im over the moon with the pending birth of my grandbaby)!!

How can we help with parenting so you can be realistic with your teenagers?

We all have those moments where we sometimes delude ourselves into thinking that our children can do no wrong, but in all reality, it will happen, and does happen that our teenagers will try things in this world to find their place in the world.

Ieremia and I currently have 3 teenagers – Isiah, 19 – Leo, 17 and Sharquille, 16.

Most days come and go with ease, but we all need help with parenting as there are the times where they will push the envelope, but that’s what children are meant to do. As soon as you decide that this is an expectation (for our children to push their boundaries) then half the struggle and stress melts into oblivion.

The teenage years aren’t about controlling your child, but continuing to guide and fine tune the young people that they are. Too many times we find ourselves trying to control the thoughts and actions of our teenagers which in turn end up in tears, heartache and heartbreak. Remember that as a parent you will forever be the one constant in your child’s life and with this perspective in mind you will find that the world will be a better place for you and your teenager.

If it is one thing that I have learnt and would like to impart to other parents of teenagers it is this, in my journey to help with parenting  … sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

Just as we tend to sometimes wrap our children up with cotton wool when they are first exploring their world as a toddler and pre-schooler, you may find yourself doing this to your teenager as well.

As hard as it may be at times you have to set boundaries and when they are crossed your teenager has to know that there will be consequences.  Without consequences your child will think that their behaviour is without error and will continue to repeat that misbehaviour.  If you have the tendency to feel bad or unfair towards your teenager for grounding them, then stop, you will drive yourself insane second guessing yourself.  Use your inner instincts to make those hard decisions and then stick by them.  Discussion is great but disrespect is not.  If your child questions your authority then be firm, reiterate the reason they are being punished and after some tears and tantrums, just as they were as toddlers, it will all subside and the status quo will return to your household.

The world happens, and will continue to happen to our young people, try to ensure that you keep a realistic perspective on what obstacles your teenager may have in their transition from a child to an adult.

There is so much out there in the world that we turn a blind eye to and because of our own insecurities, lack of knowledge or ways to cope with the ever-changing world we do our teenagers an injustice by acting as if they are infallible and that the “evils” of this world will only happen to them once they have left home, or that those things only happen to OTHER PEOPLES teenagers.

In some cases that may be true but in most cases your teenager will experiment whether it be with sex, drugs or alcohol, as parents you should ensure that they are fully prepared for these types of experiences and armed with the ability to make the right decisions for their situation. Give your teenagers good information and support so that they are able to cope with the changes in their bodies, mind and spirit. Good decisions come from well informed teenagers.

Remember, your teenager is becoming an adult and as adults we deal with our own needs for sex, drugs and/or alcohol on a regular basis.

So when you think you need help with parenting, first and foremost trust yourself, be realistic with your teenagers, even if it takes you out of your comfort zone to discuss some topics, remember that whatever information you are able to provide to assist with your teenagers transition into an adult will have lifelong repercussions.

Dont sweat the small stuff, if it isnt a danger to their lives, then its probably not worth stressing or controlling over.

If it seems dangerous to you, then clarify your understanding of what you think presents as harmful to your teenager and discuss this openly with them.

Last of all … you are human, we make mistakes. Its when we continue to make the same mistake that the impact is detrimental to our children. Remember, if you are struggling with your teenager then take the time to send us your concerns, we are only too happy to assist.  Or seek help with parenting from one of your childrens teachers, your local community centre, your Doctor, a community group that deals with that specific issue, your parish Priest or Minister or a close family member or friend.

As parents Ieremia and I arent perfect. We have our ups and downs with all our children but the bottom line is this – we strive daily to provide to the best of our capabilities for our children in all ways. We have realistic expectations of all our children and at times we have unrealistic ones, but we progress and learn. As human as perfection is always something to strive for.

Fast Tube by Casper

The above is a video of our eldest son with friends in his High School days … some parents would be open mouthed and aghast at this video but for me … its a video of my son growing into a man and having a lot of fun while hes at it!  I hope for you, this can help with parenting so you can be realistic with your teenagers too.

Today I spent lunch with Sharquille (16 years old), Troy (2 years old), Tiana (18 months old), Miah (4 years old) and of course, their Papa cum chauffeur, my darling Ieremia.

We drove to the supermarket fairly close to my work, and to appease Mstr. Troy, we grabbed lunch. I promised a bag of sweets for all of them, if they would be good for their sister while they all waited in the car, as we shopped.

We grabbed our favourites: sausage rolls, pies, my Panini, a couple of bags of potato chips and the promised bag of sweets. On our return Sharquille was doing her usual routine, txting like her life depended on it. And Mr. 2 squealing at the top of his lungs trying to get her attention. Luckily the trip in and out of the supermarket was no longer than 10-15 minutes, any longer and Troy may have got swallowed up into Sharquille’s cell phone!!

I jumped in the back seat with Troy and Miah and it suddenly dawned on me …

why children have to …

why children have to scream at the top of their lungs when you’re shopping, why children have to have their own bag of sweets and not have to share, why children have to wear all the latest labels, why children have to grow up so fast, of course, there are so many others… “why children have to …”.

After I put myself in the back hot seat, I immediately calmed Troy down by the fastest route possible, offering the bag of sweets. Not always the best option, but when I’ve only got an hour for lunch and it’s almost half over, sometimes the quick fixes take precedence so that I can get to the good parts… cuddling my incredibly cute child that i’ve been looking forward to seeing.

Troy started to eat his Orange flavoured treat and watched attentively as I gave both Miah and Tiana their sweets. Sharquille was still in the digital world so didn’t even notice the bag of lollies that I had. Troy’s attention then turned to the bag of lollies again and before I knew it, he was howling for the whole pack of treats. There it was, my “why children have to” moment … why children have to cry for the whole bag.

This used to be beyond me many years ago, but I learnt something very simple; The child doesn’t want for the complete bag of lollies. They want the bag, colourful and crinkly and the genius of some marketer intending to produce and sell the contents of millions of these. The easy fix is, to secretly away from his peering eyes, remove all the sweets, leaving a few for that child and then give him back the bag. The tears will soon cease in record time and you won’t have to start the tears up again by giving the other children sweets from Mr. “I don’t want to share right now’s” private stash.

But you still have 90% of them in your pocket to divide up for now and save some for later.

I’m fairly certain for most of us, that as parents we all aspire to have the opportunity of having our cake and eating it too. No one wants to have to deal with, the swollen red eyes and husky throats, from the tantrums of wanting to have, from our smallest of angels.

I spent the rest of my lunch hour in fairly good spirits, enjoying the kisses and cuddles from my children, catching up on Miss 4’s wonderful morning at Kindergarten, where she is growing a bean person. Watching Miss “16 going on 20″, pawing over her new Okta Mondo cell phone in addition to two other phones’, extra appendages, on what used to be my daughter’s hands. Especially, the new babbles and cheeky giggles that Tiana has recently leapt into. And then I opened one of the bag’s of Potato Chips ….

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As my children continue to grow, the thought that has arisen often, is the time old question of:

“What age do children start?”

As we all go through our daily lives I’m sure one thinks of what age do children start to do and think for themselves, especially in the teenage years, and even more so when they leave school.

As of late the burning question on my mind has been, what age do children start becoming adults?

I think that question has been more of a reflection in terms of my eldest son who has since finishing High School last year been undecided as to what path he now takes.

I had such dreams of grandeur for my eldest.

I wanted for him to have a professional career, maybe not a Rocket Scientist but something in the same league. I thought to myself, what age do children start aspiring to be an A-League Dentist, Psychiatrist, Lawyer or Doctor, because that is what Isiah is going to be. Or at the very least he will aspire to higher education.

My dreams. My hopes. My wishes.

I’ve had to give myself reality checks often and ensure that what lessons and advice I impart to my children is with their best interests at heart. Not my own. I’ve had my life to live my dreams, and to a larger extent, I’m still living them, aspiring to them, and creating a more perfect life.

Yesterday I had a slight meltdown purely because I made a small system change to my blog and before I knew it, it was gone … disappeared into the Ether, never to be seen again … well at least that’s what I thought!! I spent a good couple of hours trying to retrieve the information and driven by the good news I have to share, here I am, tapping away another day in the life of.

19 today but it seems like yesterday when he was 5

My eldest son, Isiah, found his first full time job.

My first baby, he’s grown so fast and I’d think that being the eldest of 11 hasn’t been without its ups and downs, mind you, I’m sure it has many perks, especially when one learns how to use the art of delegation. Even then, I’m so very proud of his achievement in what is a step up into what will be life for him.

A life he’ll live hopefully on his terms.

In all my excitement I had almost forgotten that not so long ago I had become a little more involved in what I had wanted for Isiah instead of what he had wanted for his own life. I think that as a parent I try so hard to ensure that all my children have the tools they’d need to be the best that they can be, as people.

We as parents need to forget that we’re not supposed to be making carbon copies of ourselves or creating a better, faster, stronger, brighter model of ourselves.

Direction is a great tool in teaching our children the options they may have in life, however, we do need to be wary of dominating a situation, as I feel this suffocates a child’s creativeness and individuality.

If there is one piece of advice I can give anyone when it comes to their children, (well for today that is), is this; as long as you, as a parent, have provided the best foundations and building blocks for your child’s future, that you can; then there is nothing more that you can do but support the decisions that they make in life. Ultimately your child will draw on all the experiences, knowledge and advice that you have provided in their younger years that will help them choose the best future for them, that is theirs’ to create.

So today goes out to all of us who have done the brave thing and let our children’s individuality and personality shine. Instead of trying to put them in the boxes that society of old has dictated, just let your child be free to make their own decisions.

Let them empower themselves with the knowledge that their future is in their own hands. And if at any time they may find they need the support or advice of yesteryear that they can still turn to you as the one constant in their lives.

I don’t need a Rocket Scientist.

I have a son to be proud of who, at nineteen, will continue his journey in life making informed decisions that are best for his life. Those decisions may not be the best for my life, or his younger brothers’ and sisters’ lives, but they are the right choices for his life.

What counts is this; he found a job that makes him happy.

I think it’s sometimes easy for us to forget to celebrate our children’s achievements no matter how big or small they may be. With that in mind, when someone next asks me, what age do children start being adults; my reply will be, when they’re ready.

The transition from High School to Work

Congratulations my son on finding your first full time position.

Please leave your comments, suggestions or if you’d rather post us a message below, with your queries and we’ll answer you as honestly and quickly as possible within 24 hours.

I had the day off work today, playing nurse maid to my number one Nanny, he coughed and spluttered while the kids and I watched news reports of the Swine Flu, oblivious to the fact that it could be erupting in our household. I think I’d prefer the Swine Flu to the Man Flu, but we won’t dwell on that. A flu that hits men once every few years and turns them into the state of a reborn 10 year old. Thank goodness its only every few years!! Ieremia is now on the mend and still a little lethargic but I think tomorrow will be a good day for me to get some rest, by going to work.

I’ve somewhat digressed from today’s topic, it actually came to me after eating my 3^rd piece of Pizza that my 2^nd eldest son had bought home from work. I know as a parent that I sometimes wonder if all that I am doing is contributing towards the success of my children, and if the knowledge that I am imparting to them is helping them to achieve this goal. But I think that firstly I have to phrase this question … what is success? I know for me personally what success would be, but is that the same gauge that I would use for my child’s success?

I think not.

My 3 eldest children are 16, 17 and 19, and as the years have past I’ve often wondered if I could have done anything differently to help them be the people that they want to be. That’s the key word here, “the people they want to be”. In an earlier blog, I had written of my dreams for my eldest son. I had to give myself a reality check and realize that they were my dreams not his dreams. I believe that the mark of your children’s success is along the same line of thought.

I have always wanted my children to be good people. It is the one thing that I have often stressed to them when trying times have arisen. I cannot complain, my teenagers are good people.

One of the many obstacles i'm sure my teenagers will turn into successes

The eldest has secured his first job and although he has had casual employment over the past 6 months, he never considered enrolling on the Unemployment benefit; he just soldiered on, getting odd jobs until securing a full time position.

He had initially wanted to go to University, but decided to take a year off schooling to taste the real world.

While he was still at High School he had worked at a local video store but was made redundant around February this year. He persevered and found another position at a local coffee shop, as a Kitchen hand, unfortunately that business also met hard times and closed down around 3 months ago. Since then he’s done odd jobs through his Rugby club and family and has survived without needing government assistance.

Is that success? I can’t complain, I would have to say he has achieved what he set out to do.

I’ve found over the years that we all can’t be academic; we all can’t be Doctors, Lawyers and Accountants. What would we do without Managers, Plumbers, Carpenters, Chefs, Team Leaders, Labourers, Nurses, Teachers Aids, Receptionists, Customer Service Advisors, Checkout Operators, Baristas and even Cleaners?

Some of us gauge success on the almighty dollar and how many we can accumulate, others gauge success on how socially powerful they are, others may gauge their success on being able to wake up each morning with a happy face. Before each of my children under 17 goes to bed at night they kiss me and say “See you in the morning Mum with a happy face”. If they can achieve what they have set their mind to do, then that to me is success.

Tomorrow I’d like to continue the 2^nd part of How Do You Gauge Your Teenager’s Success? Tune in, same bat channel, same bat time *giggles*

Ruben Studdard – Celebrate Me Home

I profess often that I am a proud Mother of 11, and I am, however, that does not make me or any of my children perfect.

We deal with the same issues that other’s do, the only difference being that we have more children, a bigger family. The size of our family has no bearing on the difference between right and wrong, neither is it an excuse to lose sight of the behavior of our children.

In my previous post in this topic, How Do You Gauge Your Teenager’s Success – Part One, I discussed my eldest son, Isiah. Initially I had thought to discuss all my teenagers and then realized that they have individually had different sets of events in their lives and so deserve to have each set out accordingly.

My next son has had a slightly more trying year and became involved with some unsavory behavior, where after a bout of underage drinking, he and a group of his friends decided to jump on the bonnet of someone’s innocently parked vehicle, damaging the vehicle.

He was arrested by the Police, eventually went to court and to cut a long story short, was required to pay for the damages to the vehicle and for the emotional distress caused to the owner of the vehicle.

He definitely got what he deserved, for a few minutes of oblivious drunken behavior.

The fine was in excess of $1400.00 and due to the fact he was an unwaged Student the Judge allowed for a payment option to be set to meet this cost.

In a sink or swim situation Leo rose above it all

Now, this young man could have taken a bad situation and made it worse but instead he decided to go about making amends for his actions.

He has stopped drinking alcohol, he wrote a letter of apology to the owner of the vehicle, secured an after school job to make reparations for his fine, is making good progress in his 7^th form year and has turned what could’ve been a continued downward trend into a positive situation.

I don’t condone his behavior, but I do commend the way he has handled the situation.

In the future I may use this as an example so that he reflects on the situation, remembers how he resolved it and continues to learn the lessons.

I feel that re-opening the wound unnecessarily and adding this error on top of every other error he has ever made, is futile in order to continue to make him “pay” for his error. Where is the lesson. A constant reminder is not going to teach him about why he made the mistake.

In order to move forward, we need to deal with each incident as it arises and once resolved lay them to rest so that we may start anew.

If it wasn’t for Leo I wouldn’t have come up with the thought for this blog, as I was eating the piece of Pizza that he bought home from his after school job.

Boys will be boys, testosterone will sometimes get the better of a young man but what counts is this, that the behavior does not become repetitive.

That a lesson is learnt and a positive change is made.

Is that success?

To turn what could’ve been a bad situation in to a positive lesson, I think so.

I welcome your feedback, so please feel free to drop me a few lines in my comments box below.

Otherwise, i’ll be back with the third part of this Blog, my 16 year old daughter, Sharquille.

Leo and his brother’s doing their Haka / Cultural dance in honour of their Uncle Tuna and Aunty Natalie’s wedding, Tairua, New Zealand, February, 2009

The last time I wrote about my appearance on the Good Morning Show, I had a great time.

I thought I did this time also, until I watched a clip of the parenting panel and I thought to myself … OH MY GOODNESS, who is that Mother of 11 who keeps looking to the skies for divine intervention!!

Up until today, I didn’t know what to write but having an inspirational conversation with my younger brother, Tuna (yes that is right, younger brother and for this moment it was inspirational), it’s prompted me to complete the post that I didn’t almost 2 weeks ago.

The topic was Parental Labour and the division of duties.

Now I know for some it may be hard to believe but Ieremia does almost everything. There are a couple of reasons, firstly because he is the stay at home component of our relationship and secondly, because he does a great job at it.

What I wanted to point out during the Parenting Panel was that you should always plan parenting from your strengths. That way it is so much more of a pleasure than a chore. What is it that you enjoy as part of the parenting process? What domestic chores do you enjoy doing?

I enjoy shopping and dragging the kids around town fitting shoes and clothes. Ieremia hates it. Ieremia enjoys the whole washing, drying and putting away of dishes. I can’t bear that chore, but I love to do washing. I like to wash the toilets and keep the bathroom clean. Ieremia prefers to clean the outside. I am more tactful at pro-actively disciplining the teenagers. Ieremia is great at empowering our little ones through their mistakes. And the list goes on …

Ieremia has the patience of a saint

And when the both of you have issues with chores or management of children … then it’s a decision you both need to sort, maybe this time Mum, maybe the next time Dad.

Ieremia and I also have the added advantage of our children helping out with chores. But before they were old enough to do these, we still had to separate out the different parenting responsibilities.

I’m not saying that our household is sparkling clean, gleaming from the foyer entrance to the manicured back yard terraces.

But, what I’m saying is that, you need to formulate a realistic and workable plan that works for the both of you. Once you have that plan in place then everything will fall into place as it should. So there may be some teething problems, but address each of these as they occur and be persistent with your plans.

There is often the argument or heated discussion that can take place between couples where, “He doesn’t do it the way I like”, or “She hasn’t made that the way I like”.

My simple answer to this is to decide why it is you like it a certain way and impart this to your partner, or take the time to show them and if worse comes to worst, what is the big deal if it isn’t done perfectly.

Fix it yourself.

Don’t get caught up in the” I wanted it this way” syndrome. This is not grade/primary school and as adults we should manage with what we have.

Be practical about your demands.

So he didn’t polish each fork individually. But hey, the fork is definitely clean and I can use it to eat without catching some type of tummy bug. My shirt didn’t have the collar pressed quite the way I like it, oh well, press it yourself. Better yet, show your partner the way you would like it pressed.

For goodness sakes, compromise and get on with being happy instead of being nitpicky.

I taught Ieremia everything I know on the domestic front. He has adapted it to his own style. I may not find his cleaning up chores completely to my approval, but hey, it’s clean.

I can’t fault his cooking. He’s an absolutely great personal Chef!!

When it comes to cooking its all on Ieremia

So all in all I have nothing more to say then to reiterate this:

1. Parent to your strengths

If you are better dealing with the terrible twos and not the demanding teens, then communicate that to your partner and get on with what you do best.
Break it all down and assign the current parenting responsibilities. As new ones arise, reassess.
That does not excuse you from trying to extend yourself into a slightly foreign area in terms of parenting or domestic duties.

2. Compromise fairly

So maybe after 6 weeks you’re sick of doing the washing every day. Don’t stress! Swap up and maybe make it a weekly swap instead of whining and getting an ulcer over it. It’s not worth it. Instead find a way to achieve the best possible scenario. Really now, it’s not a game. For in this instance, you really want to have both of you win. One should feel grateful at being helped, and the other a sense of accomplishment with the feeling that they’ve helped out.

3. If you don’t like the way something is done …

Find the happy medium. Do it yourself, now, or today, but at the same time, make suggestions or show your partner how you would like this chore performed. Don’t get caught up in something that isn’t going to matter a year from now or even a month from now.

Don’t agree? Voice your opinion in my comments or feel free to contact me. I welcome your feedback and comments.