So, the new year has begun, and along with it there will be a new edition to our family.

Our 16 year old daughter Sharquille, is going to be having her first baby in April, 2010.

Initially it was a shock to us, and there was also alot of disappointment but after alot of tears and reflection I finally found a way to deal with the whole situation.

The bottom line is that my daughter will be giving birth and that in itself should be a celebration. It may have come along as a surprise and taken me aback for a short while but at the end of the day, baby is coming whether we are ready or not and so to make the best and most of this situation, we are all going to prepare, best we can to bring our new baby into a loving, supportive and positive family.

When we first found out, it was due to another situation that had arisen with one of Sharquille’s friends. We had found out that her friend was going to have an abortion and so believing that we should ensure this girl was supported by her parents, we decided to let her parents know through our own family network. Little did we realise that this would also provide the platform for Sharquille to tell us of her own pregnancy!

My first reaction was to wonder what I had done wrong as a parent … is there something I had overlooked and not been attentive enough to my daughter. That soon faded into the nothingness after I discussed further with Sharquille.

My belief is that abstinence is best, but should our teenagers decide to have sex, then it should be with the knowledge that they are opening themselves up to pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. Sharquille was aware of this and although I had taken her to the Doctors to put her on the pill, the truth is that sex can lead to pregnancy regardless of whether protection or contraception is used.

Im looking forward to the next few weeks, when my grandbaby will be born, and know that regardless of age Sharquille will go through the same emotions and feelings that any pending and new Mother will.

I have learnt that what matters most, is the world that my grandbaby will arrive in. There is no use trying to analyse the situation now, the birth is imminent and as a family it is our duty to our new edition, to be as supportive, loving and positive as we can be.

We all went through our own forms of acceptance, some of us found this stage harder than others. Our eldest son who is a youth worker had felt a type of betrayal that his sister had not confided in him. But for her it was difficult, and it truly showed the emotional maturity that she lacked. We didnt find out till she was 7 months pregnant, and for her the difficulty arose when faced with the consequences of telling us she was pregnant. Her own intentions had always been to keep her baby but she felt that if she had told us prior to this time, we may have decided that other alternatives were the best solution for her predicament … Sharquille did not want to abort her child. I myself are pro-choice, with a major leaning towards pro-life, so I could somewhat understand Sharquille’s decision to keep her pregnancy secret. At the end of the day, I am glad that she told us before the delivery occurred!

And what have I learnt from this experience, or what would I have done differently? I think that reflecting on the situation, as with any of my own pregnancies, circumstances will be different for everyone. Sharquille had finished school last year, due to her disruptive nature and lack of interest in education and gone into full time employment. She is currently back in school and receiving paid parental leave, due to being employed more than 12 months with her full time position. Her aim at school is to educate herself further so that she has a wider scope for future employment prospects or even the opportunity to attend University. Sharquille had somewhat stepped into an adult world once she left school and had been earning her own money, making alot of her own decisions before the pregnancy occurred. So I guess that for her, she feels that she is prepared for her baby to be born. The situation will definitely become more highlighted once he is born but for now Sharquille is working towards setting up a solid foundation for both herself and her child.

I think the only thing I may have done differently is to put her on a different type of contraception. The pill is difficult for me to remember to take and so maybe an alternative like DepoProvera would have been a better avenue for my daughter. We have always talked openly about sex and contraception, but I think another avenue for her to discuss such things would have been a positive step in the right direction. Maybe Family Planning or YrChoice would have been excellent avenues for extra support and information.

As my daughter is growing, so am I, in that I cant watch my children 24/7, I can only go back to what I know best, and that is to arm my children with the tools to make the right decisions for the situations they may find themselves in. Anything past that is out of my control for it is their own thinking and bodies that will react to those situations, not mine. Although Sharquille is going to be a young mother, it is how we approach the new baby that will define this lesson in life for Sharquille and our family … I believe we’re on the right track to providing the best environment that we can for our new baby … and for Sharquille … the world is still her oyster, even though she has a new baby to consider, she does it with the knowledge that our family will support her goals aspirations, ensuring that her child is the focal point of any decisions that she makes.

Thats me for now, over and out – Madea (thats supposedly the title that Sharquille sees fit for me instead of Granny or Grandma, regardless of the title, im over the moon with the pending birth of my grandbaby)!!

That was the topic I was faced with during the Parenting Panel today.

Its a biggie and not easily discussed in such a short timeframe.

I think that thanks to the great panel today, there was a lot of ground covered, and touches on points for further discussion.

I believe that morals are different for many, purely because we dont all share the same Christian values of old, or the perspectives around these.

For our household it boils down to a simple strategy that Ieremia and I try to implement with our children, this can differ depending on the age of the child but all in all the principles are the same:

1.  Advise our children of our expectations

2.  Through discussion with each other set boundaries for various behaviour

3.  Set consequences should boundaries be broken

• Address unacceptable behaviour
• Ensure the child understands why the behaviour is unacceptable
• Set a course of action to ensure that this does not occur again
• Followup any consequences that have been set

4.  Encourage and celebrate achievements with rewards

5.  Set goals to extend ones self

With any situation communication is key, it is one of the best tools that you as a parent are able to impart to your children – two way communication.

This tool alone will assist you to establish a great relationship with your children.

You will find that your children will be vocal, for the smallest of things to the important things and unafraid to voice their emotional needs.

The morals I value the most are those that my parents taught me and they have helped me be the person I am today.

Honesty, compassion and a realistic attitude are a few of the morals that I value most and try daily to impart these to my children.

Lead by example … children will generally display the behaviour that they see daily, the behaviours, values, morals and ideals that they are explosed to daily.

If you find your child displaying a particular trait that you are not comfortable with for whatever reason, I suggest that your first port of call to see where this behaviour has developed is to look at yourself.

As always I welcome your queries, views, whatever is on your mind concerning this complex issue.

Let me leave these words of wisdom, they’ve helped me along my journey when things get to be a little hard:

Desiderata

– written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s –

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Nearly a month ago I had the pleasure of being part of the Parenting Panel for the Good Morning Show and the discussion was around the hows and whys of family size.

I definitely have an opinion on this topic but I think that being part of a panel enables a set of opinions that can be diverse but well rounded. I feel I was able to impart my feelings towards this topic but also felt that I didn’t articulate myself as well as I could have due being put “on the spot” via live television.

On review of the panel discussion I can honestly say that there were only 2 topics that I wished to expand further on and 1 faux pas, that I have since apologized for, to Lisa O’Neill the Gluten Free Fairy. I think it was more of a blubber before speaking than a faux pas.

This is the beauty of having a website, where I am able to rewind, rewrite and explain.

The first comment that I would like to expand on is that “we never struggle financially”. What I meant to say is that we don’t struggle financially because of having 11 children; we do however have moments that we juggle/struggle due to our own mismanagement of our funds. Our financial wizardry or lack thereof is due to our errors, not the fact that we have 11 children.

Second of all, was the comment of not using hand-me-downs. We do not use hand-me-downs from children over the age of 3, however, we gladly and thankfully accept 2nd hand clothing when offered. We do have family, friends and friends of family who have offered bulk lots of clothes.

You may ask what is the difference and to me the difference is this; hand-me-downs are when an older child within our family hands down a piece of clothing to a younger sibling and this piece of clothing continues to be handed down to the next, etc, etc. 2nd hand clothing is good quality, pre-loved clothing, not something worn by an older sibling before you. And then there is sharing clothes, of which happens often in our household, but this is a choice of each individual child and is a topic in itself to possibly be blogged at a later date.

I wanted to articulate the fact that I believe in each child’s individuality. This can be expressed through their own dress sense and of the knowing that an item of clothing is theirs. Prior to the age of 2-3, a child is usually not able to express their own dress sense or ownership of an item. So I have used hand-me-downs for some but not all of my children from birth to approximately 3 years of age.

What does irk me to furious frustration, are those that have families, whether they be large or small, where there isn’t adequate means for providing for their children. Either, financially, emotionally, physically, or spiritually. Moreover the parents that have no intention of planning for the current children they do have, let alone the ones they would continue to have.

I have heard of some horror stories in this area, to the point where some parents have had children to collect extra financial/welfare assistance from the government. I believe that most people in the developed world have heard the same stories.

It makes my stomach churn to hear such stories. Children are not a commodity, and should not be treated as such. Each child is their own individual being and should have the opportunity to extend their abilities, creativity and personality to infinity and beyond, if that is what they choose. As parents we should aspire to providing these opportunities and lessons in our children’s lives.

But enough rantings about “how to make a poor decision in having a new child”.

Being the Mother of 11, I wanted to project that the decision on how many children one has is determined by a number of risk factors. And, to have 11 children versus 1 child is no reflection on a Mother or her ability to be a Mother. My very own opinion is that the number of children is not a risk factor in and of itself. It is how any child, regardless of their placing in the family is nurtured, loved, supported and raised. However, some of the following points will impact family size decisions

• Previous pregnancy and delivery experience / Medical Conditions

If the first pregnancy and/or delivery had been problematic, some may choose to count their blessings that they have one child and to not continue on. For some this may occur at a 2nd, 3rd or 4th child, for me it was after 10 vaginal births (9 of which were drug free). Number 11 was physically, mentally and emotionally draining and I opted for an elective caesarean. There is always the possibity that there is a medical condition which may prohibit further births.

• Finances

The standard of living that one enjoys is a major consideration for the addition of another child. From a personal perspective, this has never had a great bearing on whether I would have more children. Majorly due to the fact that I have learnt of what is absolutely essential for a newborn child without breaking the bank. (A list of which I will detail in the very near future). My focal point in having our new baby is to provide a secure, healthy, happy and safe environment for each child. I must stress here that prior to the age of about 3, maybe as early as 2, a child isn’t able to determine what label, even a style, or an amount it cost to clothe them. I am very partial to hand-me-downs/2nd hand clothing prior to this age as the practicality of the items far outweighs my desire to be a trendy or fashionable parent. I have never thought of any of my children as a fashion accessory. However, for those that have the disposable income, there is nothing wrong with providing the best of your abilities. That’s what counts, providing the best of your abilities with the finances that you have.

• Family Support

It has been said, and written, that “it takes a village to raise a child”, and I must admit, my children have had their fair share of “village” input. I would use the Samoan definition of that village as being my family and extended family. And for some couples isolation from a family unit can hinder one from extending their family. This is understandable, but for others they are able to build a family unit from friends or other non-relatives. For me, having my parents, brothers and sisters, along with their individual families, and their continual familial support, has made it that much easier for me to accept a new addition into my brood.

• Age

In these developed times the average birthing age has increased. I find myself being surrounded by many women in their first pregnancy at the age of 30-35 and some older. By the age of 30 I had given birth to 6 children, and completed my family at the age of 38. Age is a determining factor for those older mothers, as their biological clocks may only allow for a certain number of pregnancies. However, due to recent technology, the risk factors for even these mothers have been lowered, and the world can be found to have mothers, some even first time mothers, still giving birth in their 50’s and 60’s.

• Experiences in raising your child/children

I am no Scientist but I do know this much … had I given birth to my first 2 children 11 months apart in my initial pregnancies, or even possibly a multiple birth, I may very well have not had 11 children. For some it comes down to purely and simply, how they coped with raising the first child or their experiences in dealing with the first child. It may have been a highly stressful situation, the child may have been sick, it may have been a multiple birth, but for whatever reason there was a personal decision made that the number of current children you have is all the time, patience and resources you are able to muster for that number.

But luckily for me, I experienced this only in my last pregnancy. So I have enjoyed to the full extent, the joy of giving birth to each of my 11 children, and am now enjoying watching them grow in their own time, in their own way, into wonderful little human beings.

So in closing, the number of children one should have, would in my opinion always be determined by your own unique set of personal circumstances. What I do recommend however, is that should one decide to have a large family, I cannot impress more that one should do this with the full knowledge that it will be extremely satisfying!!

And that satisfaction will be tempered, but nevertheless, worthwhile, because it came with an equal amount of blood, sweat, tears, tantrums and 2 huge helpings of patience.

Love each and everyone of your children with your all, regardless of the number you have. The world is so much more better when a child is raised to contribute to that world, instead of fighting against it.

Good luck with whatever you may decide and always feel free to contact us for a yarn or 2 or 3.

After having given birth to 11 children, I think I have a pretty good gauge on what would be the ideal difference in age between children.

It is often asked of me as to how I made the age gap determination and what decisions played the biggest part in having another child.

The age difference between my eldest and youngest is 17 years, however, it is not this difference in age between the youngest and eldest children that causes much of an issue, it is more so the difference in age between each individual child.

So, starting from my eldest to the youngest the difference in age between children goes a little something like this:

Number 1 – Number 2 = 23 months
Number 2 – Number 3 = 14 months
Number 3 – Number 4 = 3 years, 8 months
Number 4 – Number 5 = 17 months
Number 5 – Number 6 = 23 months
Number 6 – Number 7 = 20 months
Number 7 – Number 8 = 20 months
Number 8 – Number 9 = 20 months (is there a pattern forming here ;P)
Number 9 – Number 10 = 21 months
Number 10 – Number 11 = 11 months

One would think, that from the numbers above, the ideal difference in age between children most definitely goes to the 20-23 month period. I definitely feel, that this time gap ensured I had a full recovery from the previous pregnancy for I was able to get a consistent routine between children.

By the time I found myself pregnant again, I was fully able to dedicate myself to the newborn, which is very important to me, and the transition for the newborn, into the family, and vice versa, was made extremely easy.

This time lapse, also enabled us to still provide a lot of quality time to my elder children, especially the child immediately preceding the newborn, to lessen any unwanted sibling rivalry or jealousy. From my experience, at 20-23 months, most children are learning their own independence and although this is usually an introduction to the terrible two’s I can confidently say that this did not create too much drama for our household.

All in all, I favour this difference in age between children purely for the fact that there is not too much of a gap where children find communicating or playing with each other difficult. There are still moments of growth that each is able to share, experience and discover with their immediately older or younger as well as other siblings.

Having detailed above, the easier spacing to deal with between children, the not so difficult and yet not so easy range would have to be 14-17 months. At this stage, patience for the parent can be a little strained, but with the tried and true routine, I still believe this age gap is manageable. This time usually indicates for me, the end to bottles and an introduction to the toddler years. This is where walking leads to running and the discovery of one’s other senses, through increased mobility. This can be a trying age for the parent, especially when your 14-17 month doesn’t quite comprehend all instructions as adequately as an almost 2 year old. Definitely not a walk in the park for the child either.

And these trying times show up for parent and 14-17 month child especially when you are trying to feed the newborn child. It was for me.

I suggest that if your toddler is awake during feeding times for your newborn that you sit the toddler down quietly beside you to share some reading time. I try to have the toddler turn the pages while I read the pages. I even make up a playful story as the pages are flicked in the “no set order”. The toddler will assume or engage them in blocks. There is also creative hand play where I have comment on the activities at hand while continuing to concentrate on providing a relaxed feeding time for baby. I’ve used this time to tell tall stories about our family, or silly stories about how my room is my castle.

I truly want to say to enjoy the moments as much as possible and try to include your 14-17 month old in the daily routine of with the newborn so there is a sense of belonging and role of importance for your toddler.

I also need to touch on the more than 3 year gap. I also have a 3 year gap between my older sister and I, and I believe this difference in age between children may be hard to gauge. From experience, the age gap was very challenging for me. I felt as if I always wanted to do what my older sister was doing but felt restrained due to being 3 years her junior. However, the contrast I have with my own children is that my daughter is 3 years older than her younger brother and this doesn’t seem to have been a major issue, so I guess the gender of your child can play a major part in the difference in age between children.

I’m sure I’ll write more in detail about the 3 year gap in the days to come.

At the complete other end of the spectrum is the less than 12 month period. I strongly believe that had I endured an 11 month period between any of my earlier births, I may not have had so many children.

Truth. And Ieremia tells me the same thing.

The 11 month period between my number 10 and 11 was and is extremely difficult. Keeping in mind that I have a wealth of knowledge, tips and tricks from 10 previous children, yet, we were still not prepared for the 11 month gap.

This, inability to deal with the closeness in difference in age between our last 2 kids, came as quite a surprise to the both of us. I say this because, Ieremia and I(actually Ieremia more than I, lol) had always, from every single pregnancy, wanted twins or a multiple birth. But after having Troy (number 10) and Tiana (number 11) so close in age, we have a new respect for parents of multiple births.

Ieremia currently refers to these two, not as affectionately, as his “twins”.

It became a daily struggle to manage both, since both newborn and toddler needed the same, if not exact, attention and time. Initially it was slightly easier to cope with the situation, since both of us were at home, and each had a wee one to manage. It was almost “business as usual” up until I returned to work. This is when Tiana was 3 months old, but this left Ieremia caring for both babies at home, and I know he has some fond stories of these times, to share with you all.

From my experience the 11 month and under gap is extreme and possibly not something I would recommend unless of course you had alot of support from your partner and/or family during the first 18 months.

To be sure, Ieremia and I have new found respect for those that have twins or more. We beleive if twins were born either in the first or second pregnancy, I would be a proud mother of 2 maybe 3 kids by now.

When all is said and done I truly believe that there are many contributing factors to whether there is an ideal difference in age between children but based on my experience I would have to stick to the 20 month and above gap. I truly have found that this ideal age gap contributed heavily in allowing me to continue to have found balance in time, efforts and support for all of my children in my life.

As it has been said before: “proof is in the pudding”

What are your thoughts? Is there an age gap i’ve missed that you would like me to address? Maybe the 18 year age gap between my eldest and youngest. Leave me your thoughts, questions or discussion points below.

What are the differences between raising boys and girls? My thoughts exactly!

I have 6 girls and 5 boys.

If I take into account every interaction I have ever had with my children since birth and evaluate each one separately, I would have to say there are a total of maybe 1-1/2.

In other words, for me personally, very few.

Let me expand on that answer just a little.

My 2 youngest are 11 months apart, Tiana is 18 months and Troy is 29 months. If Troy were to hit Tiana, what would happen in your household?

In my household this is what would occur:

Tiana would usually hit her brother back, there would be a few tears and most of the time that would be the end of that.

In some cases the hitting may carry on but my reaction would not be to scold Troy but to sit both of them down and address the behaviour.

However, I do know that in most situations where this occurs, the boy would be scolded and told to not hit the girl but this would not be the case if the girl hit the boy.

I guess the point that I am trying to make here is this, that you should raise your child to the best of your abilities.

I dont cater my parenting to either the boys or the girls, I parent to each of my individual children.

The personalities and temperaments amongst my children are diverse but they are not determined by what sex they are.

I do not differentiate between the sexes of my children.

Obviously the boys and girls have physical differences but neither have achieved any great feats over the other due to their sex.

• From birth I have dressed my boys and girls in pink

• Grown all my boys and girls hair past the middle of their backs and not cut it till they have requested

• Allowed my boys to play with dolls and my girls with trucks, without either sex destroying the toy

• Had all my boys and girls learn and complete the same chores both inside and outside the house

These are a few of the things that are traditionally done by one or the other of the sexes that I do not buy into.

I believe that parenting is about meeting your childs needs, addressing their concerns and instilling confidence in each and every one of them regardless of gender.

I think an area that is somewhat vague to me, because I am only beginning to experience this age, are my teenagers.

I havent had any great issues with my sons who are now 17 and 19, however, my 16 year old daughter has shown some behavious that at first appeared to be gender related.

Just as I was starting to believe that my daughter was proving more difficult and rebellious than my sons, I took a step back to assess why she was rebelling.

I have always endeavoured to treat my children fairly, but when my eldest daughter started to get older, my own gender related prejudices started to surface. I started to think that because she was a girl, that I should not be as lenient with her freedom and social outings.

This however impacted negatively on her.

My own immediate fears for my daughter, that I did not have for my sons, were what would happen if she became pregnant.

So I tried to wrap her up in cotton wool and put her in Peter Peter Pumpkin Eaters Pumpkin Shell. Wrong.

I believe this is a fear for alot of parents and the reason that there are differences between raising teenage boys and girls, when they get to the sexually curious and active years.

So how did I resolve this?

After some soul searching and discussing my fears of pregnancy with my daughter, I decided that over the years I had armed her with all the information that she needed to make the right choices, and I just needed to trust her judgements.

I needed to trust my parenting and I did.

I gave her the same curfews and conditions as my sons when they were around her age and maturity.

The rebellious streak stopped.

She still has her dramatic moments but what I had thought was a difference between raising teen boys and girls was really my own conditioning.

So, I guess I took a page out of Peter Peter Pumpkin Eaters book:

Peter, Peter pumpkin eater,

Had a wife but couldn’t keep her;

He put her in a pumpkin shell

And there he kept her very well.

Peter, Peter pumpkin eater,

Had another and didn’t love her;

Peter learned to read and spell,

And then he loved her very well.

Like Peter, in trying to control my teenage daughter, I tried to keep her at home and limit her social outings.

My interpretation of Peter’s simple story, reflected in my own situation with my daughter, is that by learning and understanding the reasons behind her rebellious behaviour:

• I was able to allay my fears,

• trust her judgement and mine

• Resolve the behaviour, not based on her gender but on her as an individual

By trusting my daughter, and empowering her to make her own decisions, she is able to reel in her own reckless behavior and behave responsibly – thus far. *giggles*

There is no need for me to be convinced that there are no differences in raising boys and girls but this is my personal viewpoint, from my experiences in raising my own children that I am sharing with you.

You may have your own viewpoints on this and i’d love to hear what your experiences have been.

I’ve provided some interesting links below, food for thought:

http://www.thelocal.se/20232/20090623/

http://www.cbc.ca/news/background/reimer/

The last time I wrote about my appearance on the Good Morning Show, I had a great time.

I thought I did this time also, until I watched a clip of the parenting panel and I thought to myself … OH MY GOODNESS, who is that Mother of 11 who keeps looking to the skies for divine intervention!!

Up until today, I didn’t know what to write but having an inspirational conversation with my younger brother, Tuna (yes that is right, younger brother and for this moment it was inspirational), it’s prompted me to complete the post that I didn’t almost 2 weeks ago.

The topic was Parental Labour and the division of duties.

Now I know for some it may be hard to believe but Ieremia does almost everything. There are a couple of reasons, firstly because he is the stay at home component of our relationship and secondly, because he does a great job at it.

What I wanted to point out during the Parenting Panel was that you should always plan parenting from your strengths. That way it is so much more of a pleasure than a chore. What is it that you enjoy as part of the parenting process? What domestic chores do you enjoy doing?

I enjoy shopping and dragging the kids around town fitting shoes and clothes. Ieremia hates it. Ieremia enjoys the whole washing, drying and putting away of dishes. I can’t bear that chore, but I love to do washing. I like to wash the toilets and keep the bathroom clean. Ieremia prefers to clean the outside. I am more tactful at pro-actively disciplining the teenagers. Ieremia is great at empowering our little ones through their mistakes. And the list goes on …

And when the both of you have issues with chores or management of children … then it’s a decision you both need to sort, maybe this time Mum, maybe the next time Dad.

Ieremia and I also have the added advantage of our children helping out with chores. But before they were old enough to do these, we still had to separate out the different parenting responsibilities.

I’m not saying that our household is sparkling clean, gleaming from the foyer entrance to the manicured back yard terraces.

But, what I’m saying is that, you need to formulate a realistic and workable plan that works for the both of you. Once you have that plan in place then everything will fall into place as it should. So there may be some teething problems, but address each of these as they occur and be persistent with your plans.

There is often the argument or heated discussion that can take place between couples where, “He doesn’t do it the way I like”, or “She hasn’t made that the way I like”.

My simple answer to this is to decide why it is you like it a certain way and impart this to your partner, or take the time to show them and if worse comes to worst, what is the big deal if it isn’t done perfectly.

Fix it yourself.

Don’t get caught up in the” I wanted it this way” syndrome. This is not grade/primary school and as adults we should manage with what we have.

Be practical about your demands.

So he didn’t polish each fork individually. But hey, the fork is definitely clean and I can use it to eat without catching some type of tummy bug. My shirt didn’t have the collar pressed quite the way I like it, oh well, press it yourself. Better yet, show your partner the way you would like it pressed.

For goodness sakes, compromise and get on with being happy instead of being nitpicky.

I taught Ieremia everything I know on the domestic front. He has adapted it to his own style. I may not find his cleaning up chores completely to my approval, but hey, it’s clean.

I can’t fault his cooking. He’s an absolutely great personal Chef!!

So all in all I have nothing more to say then to reiterate this:

1. Parent to your strengths

If you are better dealing with the terrible twos and not the demanding teens, then communicate that to your partner and get on with what you do best.
Break it all down and assign the current parenting responsibilities. As new ones arise, reassess.
That does not excuse you from trying to extend yourself into a slightly foreign area in terms of parenting or domestic duties.

2. Compromise fairly

So maybe after 6 weeks you’re sick of doing the washing every day. Don’t stress! Swap up and maybe make it a weekly swap instead of whining and getting an ulcer over it. It’s not worth it. Instead find a way to achieve the best possible scenario. Really now, it’s not a game. For in this instance, you really want to have both of you win. One should feel grateful at being helped, and the other a sense of accomplishment with the feeling that they’ve helped out.

3. If you don’t like the way something is done …

Find the happy medium. Do it yourself, now, or today, but at the same time, make suggestions or show your partner how you would like this chore performed. Don’t get caught up in something that isn’t going to matter a year from now or even a month from now.

Don’t agree? Voice your opinion in my comments or feel free to contact me. I welcome your feedback and comments.