So, the new year has begun, and along with it there will be a new edition to our family.

Our 16 year old daughter Sharquille, is going to be having her first baby in April, 2010.

Initially it was a shock to us, and there was also alot of disappointment but after alot of tears and reflection I finally found a way to deal with the whole situation.

The bottom line is that my daughter will be giving birth and that in itself should be a celebration. It may have come along as a surprise and taken me aback for a short while but at the end of the day, baby is coming whether we are ready or not and so to make the best and most of this situation, we are all going to prepare, best we can to bring our new baby into a loving, supportive and positive family.

When we first found out, it was due to another situation that had arisen with one of Sharquille’s friends. We had found out that her friend was going to have an abortion and so believing that we should ensure this girl was supported by her parents, we decided to let her parents know through our own family network. Little did we realise that this would also provide the platform for Sharquille to tell us of her own pregnancy!

My first reaction was to wonder what I had done wrong as a parent … is there something I had overlooked and not been attentive enough to my daughter. That soon faded into the nothingness after I discussed further with Sharquille.

My belief is that abstinence is best, but should our teenagers decide to have sex, then it should be with the knowledge that they are opening themselves up to pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. Sharquille was aware of this and although I had taken her to the Doctors to put her on the pill, the truth is that sex can lead to pregnancy regardless of whether protection or contraception is used.

Im looking forward to the next few weeks, when my grandbaby will be born, and know that regardless of age Sharquille will go through the same emotions and feelings that any pending and new Mother will.

I have learnt that what matters most, is the world that my grandbaby will arrive in. There is no use trying to analyse the situation now, the birth is imminent and as a family it is our duty to our new edition, to be as supportive, loving and positive as we can be.

We all went through our own forms of acceptance, some of us found this stage harder than others. Our eldest son who is a youth worker had felt a type of betrayal that his sister had not confided in him. But for her it was difficult, and it truly showed the emotional maturity that she lacked. We didnt find out till she was 7 months pregnant, and for her the difficulty arose when faced with the consequences of telling us she was pregnant. Her own intentions had always been to keep her baby but she felt that if she had told us prior to this time, we may have decided that other alternatives were the best solution for her predicament … Sharquille did not want to abort her child. I myself are pro-choice, with a major leaning towards pro-life, so I could somewhat understand Sharquille’s decision to keep her pregnancy secret. At the end of the day, I am glad that she told us before the delivery occurred!

And what have I learnt from this experience, or what would I have done differently? I think that reflecting on the situation, as with any of my own pregnancies, circumstances will be different for everyone. Sharquille had finished school last year, due to her disruptive nature and lack of interest in education and gone into full time employment. She is currently back in school and receiving paid parental leave, due to being employed more than 12 months with her full time position. Her aim at school is to educate herself further so that she has a wider scope for future employment prospects or even the opportunity to attend University. Sharquille had somewhat stepped into an adult world once she left school and had been earning her own money, making alot of her own decisions before the pregnancy occurred. So I guess that for her, she feels that she is prepared for her baby to be born. The situation will definitely become more highlighted once he is born but for now Sharquille is working towards setting up a solid foundation for both herself and her child.

I think the only thing I may have done differently is to put her on a different type of contraception. The pill is difficult for me to remember to take and so maybe an alternative like DepoProvera would have been a better avenue for my daughter. We have always talked openly about sex and contraception, but I think another avenue for her to discuss such things would have been a positive step in the right direction. Maybe Family Planning or YrChoice would have been excellent avenues for extra support and information.

As my daughter is growing, so am I, in that I cant watch my children 24/7, I can only go back to what I know best, and that is to arm my children with the tools to make the right decisions for the situations they may find themselves in. Anything past that is out of my control for it is their own thinking and bodies that will react to those situations, not mine. Although Sharquille is going to be a young mother, it is how we approach the new baby that will define this lesson in life for Sharquille and our family … I believe we’re on the right track to providing the best environment that we can for our new baby … and for Sharquille … the world is still her oyster, even though she has a new baby to consider, she does it with the knowledge that our family will support her goals aspirations, ensuring that her child is the focal point of any decisions that she makes.

Thats me for now, over and out – Madea (thats supposedly the title that Sharquille sees fit for me instead of Granny or Grandma, regardless of the title, im over the moon with the pending birth of my grandbaby)!!

How can we help with parenting so you can be realistic with your teenagers?

We all have those moments where we sometimes delude ourselves into thinking that our children can do no wrong, but in all reality, it will happen, and does happen that our teenagers will try things in this world to find their place in the world.

Ieremia and I currently have 3 teenagers – Isiah, 19 – Leo, 17 and Sharquille, 16.

Most days come and go with ease, but we all need help with parenting as there are the times where they will push the envelope, but that’s what children are meant to do. As soon as you decide that this is an expectation (for our children to push their boundaries) then half the struggle and stress melts into oblivion.

The teenage years aren’t about controlling your child, but continuing to guide and fine tune the young people that they are. Too many times we find ourselves trying to control the thoughts and actions of our teenagers which in turn end up in tears, heartache and heartbreak. Remember that as a parent you will forever be the one constant in your child’s life and with this perspective in mind you will find that the world will be a better place for you and your teenager.

If it is one thing that I have learnt and would like to impart to other parents of teenagers it is this, in my journey to help with parenting  … sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

Just as we tend to sometimes wrap our children up with cotton wool when they are first exploring their world as a toddler and pre-schooler, you may find yourself doing this to your teenager as well.

As hard as it may be at times you have to set boundaries and when they are crossed your teenager has to know that there will be consequences.  Without consequences your child will think that their behaviour is without error and will continue to repeat that misbehaviour.  If you have the tendency to feel bad or unfair towards your teenager for grounding them, then stop, you will drive yourself insane second guessing yourself.  Use your inner instincts to make those hard decisions and then stick by them.  Discussion is great but disrespect is not.  If your child questions your authority then be firm, reiterate the reason they are being punished and after some tears and tantrums, just as they were as toddlers, it will all subside and the status quo will return to your household.

The world happens, and will continue to happen to our young people, try to ensure that you keep a realistic perspective on what obstacles your teenager may have in their transition from a child to an adult.

There is so much out there in the world that we turn a blind eye to and because of our own insecurities, lack of knowledge or ways to cope with the ever-changing world we do our teenagers an injustice by acting as if they are infallible and that the “evils” of this world will only happen to them once they have left home, or that those things only happen to OTHER PEOPLES teenagers.

In some cases that may be true but in most cases your teenager will experiment whether it be with sex, drugs or alcohol, as parents you should ensure that they are fully prepared for these types of experiences and armed with the ability to make the right decisions for their situation. Give your teenagers good information and support so that they are able to cope with the changes in their bodies, mind and spirit. Good decisions come from well informed teenagers.

Remember, your teenager is becoming an adult and as adults we deal with our own needs for sex, drugs and/or alcohol on a regular basis.

So when you think you need help with parenting, first and foremost trust yourself, be realistic with your teenagers, even if it takes you out of your comfort zone to discuss some topics, remember that whatever information you are able to provide to assist with your teenagers transition into an adult will have lifelong repercussions.

Dont sweat the small stuff, if it isnt a danger to their lives, then its probably not worth stressing or controlling over.

If it seems dangerous to you, then clarify your understanding of what you think presents as harmful to your teenager and discuss this openly with them.

Last of all … you are human, we make mistakes. Its when we continue to make the same mistake that the impact is detrimental to our children. Remember, if you are struggling with your teenager then take the time to send us your concerns, we are only too happy to assist.  Or seek help with parenting from one of your childrens teachers, your local community centre, your Doctor, a community group that deals with that specific issue, your parish Priest or Minister or a close family member or friend.

As parents Ieremia and I arent perfect. We have our ups and downs with all our children but the bottom line is this – we strive daily to provide to the best of our capabilities for our children in all ways. We have realistic expectations of all our children and at times we have unrealistic ones, but we progress and learn. As human as perfection is always something to strive for.

Fast Tube by Casper

The above is a video of our eldest son with friends in his High School days … some parents would be open mouthed and aghast at this video but for me … its a video of my son growing into a man and having a lot of fun while hes at it!  I hope for you, this can help with parenting so you can be realistic with your teenagers too.

That was the topic I was faced with during the Parenting Panel today.

Its a biggie and not easily discussed in such a short timeframe.

I think that thanks to the great panel today, there was a lot of ground covered, and touches on points for further discussion.

I believe that morals are different for many, purely because we dont all share the same Christian values of old, or the perspectives around these.

For our household it boils down to a simple strategy that Ieremia and I try to implement with our children, this can differ depending on the age of the child but all in all the principles are the same:

1.  Advise our children of our expectations

2.  Through discussion with each other set boundaries for various behaviour

3.  Set consequences should boundaries be broken

• Address unacceptable behaviour
• Ensure the child understands why the behaviour is unacceptable
• Set a course of action to ensure that this does not occur again
• Followup any consequences that have been set

4.  Encourage and celebrate achievements with rewards

5.  Set goals to extend ones self

With any situation communication is key, it is one of the best tools that you as a parent are able to impart to your children – two way communication.

This tool alone will assist you to establish a great relationship with your children.

You will find that your children will be vocal, for the smallest of things to the important things and unafraid to voice their emotional needs.

The morals I value the most are those that my parents taught me and they have helped me be the person I am today.

Honesty, compassion and a realistic attitude are a few of the morals that I value most and try daily to impart these to my children.

Lead by example … children will generally display the behaviour that they see daily, the behaviours, values, morals and ideals that they are explosed to daily.

If you find your child displaying a particular trait that you are not comfortable with for whatever reason, I suggest that your first port of call to see where this behaviour has developed is to look at yourself.

As always I welcome your queries, views, whatever is on your mind concerning this complex issue.

Let me leave these words of wisdom, they’ve helped me along my journey when things get to be a little hard:

Desiderata

– written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s –

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.