Sharing Our Experiences

So, the new year has begun, and along with it there will be a new edition to our family.

Our 16 year old daughter Sharquille, is going to be having her first baby in April, 2010.

Initially it was a shock to us, and there was also alot of disappointment but after alot of tears and reflection I finally found a way to deal with the whole situation.

The bottom line is that my daughter will be giving birth and that in itself should be a celebration. It may have come along as a surprise and taken me aback for a short while but at the end of the day, baby is coming whether we are ready or not and so to make the best and most of this situation, we are all going to prepare, best we can to bring our new baby into a loving, supportive and positive family.

When we first found out, it was due to another situation that had arisen with one of Sharquille’s friends. We had found out that her friend was going to have an abortion and so believing that we should ensure this girl was supported by her parents, we decided to let her parents know through our own family network. Little did we realise that this would also provide the platform for Sharquille to tell us of her own pregnancy!

My first reaction was to wonder what I had done wrong as a parent … is there something I had overlooked and not been attentive enough to my daughter. That soon faded into the nothingness after I discussed further with Sharquille.

My belief is that abstinence is best, but should our teenagers decide to have sex, then it should be with the knowledge that they are opening themselves up to pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. Sharquille was aware of this and although I had taken her to the Doctors to put her on the pill, the truth is that sex can lead to pregnancy regardless of whether protection or contraception is used.

Im looking forward to the next few weeks, when my grandbaby will be born, and know that regardless of age Sharquille will go through the same emotions and feelings that any pending and new Mother will.

I have learnt that what matters most, is the world that my grandbaby will arrive in. There is no use trying to analyse the situation now, the birth is imminent and as a family it is our duty to our new edition, to be as supportive, loving and positive as we can be.

We all went through our own forms of acceptance, some of us found this stage harder than others. Our eldest son who is a youth worker had felt a type of betrayal that his sister had not confided in him. But for her it was difficult, and it truly showed the emotional maturity that she lacked. We didnt find out till she was 7 months pregnant, and for her the difficulty arose when faced with the consequences of telling us she was pregnant. Her own intentions had always been to keep her baby but she felt that if she had told us prior to this time, we may have decided that other alternatives were the best solution for her predicament … Sharquille did not want to abort her child. I myself are pro-choice, with a major leaning towards pro-life, so I could somewhat understand Sharquille’s decision to keep her pregnancy secret. At the end of the day, I am glad that she told us before the delivery occurred!

And what have I learnt from this experience, or what would I have done differently? I think that reflecting on the situation, as with any of my own pregnancies, circumstances will be different for everyone. Sharquille had finished school last year, due to her disruptive nature and lack of interest in education and gone into full time employment. She is currently back in school and receiving paid parental leave, due to being employed more than 12 months with her full time position. Her aim at school is to educate herself further so that she has a wider scope for future employment prospects or even the opportunity to attend University. Sharquille had somewhat stepped into an adult world once she left school and had been earning her own money, making alot of her own decisions before the pregnancy occurred. So I guess that for her, she feels that she is prepared for her baby to be born. The situation will definitely become more highlighted once he is born but for now Sharquille is working towards setting up a solid foundation for both herself and her child.

I think the only thing I may have done differently is to put her on a different type of contraception. The pill is difficult for me to remember to take and so maybe an alternative like DepoProvera would have been a better avenue for my daughter. We have always talked openly about sex and contraception, but I think another avenue for her to discuss such things would have been a positive step in the right direction. Maybe Family Planning or YrChoice would have been excellent avenues for extra support and information.

As my daughter is growing, so am I, in that I cant watch my children 24/7, I can only go back to what I know best, and that is to arm my children with the tools to make the right decisions for the situations they may find themselves in. Anything past that is out of my control for it is their own thinking and bodies that will react to those situations, not mine. Although Sharquille is going to be a young mother, it is how we approach the new baby that will define this lesson in life for Sharquille and our family … I believe we’re on the right track to providing the best environment that we can for our new baby … and for Sharquille … the world is still her oyster, even though she has a new baby to consider, she does it with the knowledge that our family will support her goals aspirations, ensuring that her child is the focal point of any decisions that she makes.

Thats me for now, over and out – Madea (thats supposedly the title that Sharquille sees fit for me instead of Granny or Grandma, regardless of the title, im over the moon with the pending birth of my grandbaby)!!

How can we help with parenting so you can be realistic with your teenagers?

We all have those moments where we sometimes delude ourselves into thinking that our children can do no wrong, but in all reality, it will happen, and does happen that our teenagers will try things in this world to find their place in the world.

Ieremia and I currently have 3 teenagers – Isiah, 19 – Leo, 17 and Sharquille, 16.

Most days come and go with ease, but we all need help with parenting as there are the times where they will push the envelope, but that’s what children are meant to do. As soon as you decide that this is an expectation (for our children to push their boundaries) then half the struggle and stress melts into oblivion.

The teenage years aren’t about controlling your child, but continuing to guide and fine tune the young people that they are. Too many times we find ourselves trying to control the thoughts and actions of our teenagers which in turn end up in tears, heartache and heartbreak. Remember that as a parent you will forever be the one constant in your child’s life and with this perspective in mind you will find that the world will be a better place for you and your teenager.

If it is one thing that I have learnt and would like to impart to other parents of teenagers it is this, in my journey to help with parenting  … sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

Just as we tend to sometimes wrap our children up with cotton wool when they are first exploring their world as a toddler and pre-schooler, you may find yourself doing this to your teenager as well.

As hard as it may be at times you have to set boundaries and when they are crossed your teenager has to know that there will be consequences.  Without consequences your child will think that their behaviour is without error and will continue to repeat that misbehaviour.  If you have the tendency to feel bad or unfair towards your teenager for grounding them, then stop, you will drive yourself insane second guessing yourself.  Use your inner instincts to make those hard decisions and then stick by them.  Discussion is great but disrespect is not.  If your child questions your authority then be firm, reiterate the reason they are being punished and after some tears and tantrums, just as they were as toddlers, it will all subside and the status quo will return to your household.

The world happens, and will continue to happen to our young people, try to ensure that you keep a realistic perspective on what obstacles your teenager may have in their transition from a child to an adult.

There is so much out there in the world that we turn a blind eye to and because of our own insecurities, lack of knowledge or ways to cope with the ever-changing world we do our teenagers an injustice by acting as if they are infallible and that the “evils” of this world will only happen to them once they have left home, or that those things only happen to OTHER PEOPLES teenagers.

In some cases that may be true but in most cases your teenager will experiment whether it be with sex, drugs or alcohol, as parents you should ensure that they are fully prepared for these types of experiences and armed with the ability to make the right decisions for their situation. Give your teenagers good information and support so that they are able to cope with the changes in their bodies, mind and spirit. Good decisions come from well informed teenagers.

Remember, your teenager is becoming an adult and as adults we deal with our own needs for sex, drugs and/or alcohol on a regular basis.

So when you think you need help with parenting, first and foremost trust yourself, be realistic with your teenagers, even if it takes you out of your comfort zone to discuss some topics, remember that whatever information you are able to provide to assist with your teenagers transition into an adult will have lifelong repercussions.

Dont sweat the small stuff, if it isnt a danger to their lives, then its probably not worth stressing or controlling over.

If it seems dangerous to you, then clarify your understanding of what you think presents as harmful to your teenager and discuss this openly with them.

Last of all … you are human, we make mistakes. Its when we continue to make the same mistake that the impact is detrimental to our children. Remember, if you are struggling with your teenager then take the time to send us your concerns, we are only too happy to assist.  Or seek help with parenting from one of your childrens teachers, your local community centre, your Doctor, a community group that deals with that specific issue, your parish Priest or Minister or a close family member or friend.

As parents Ieremia and I arent perfect. We have our ups and downs with all our children but the bottom line is this – we strive daily to provide to the best of our capabilities for our children in all ways. We have realistic expectations of all our children and at times we have unrealistic ones, but we progress and learn. As human as perfection is always something to strive for.

Fast Tube by Casper

The above is a video of our eldest son with friends in his High School days … some parents would be open mouthed and aghast at this video but for me … its a video of my son growing into a man and having a lot of fun while hes at it!  I hope for you, this can help with parenting so you can be realistic with your teenagers too.

So this is a bit of a state the obvious post today.

Ive decided that the best way to approach most things is to start at the beginning and so where else is a better place then conception.

In order to have a baby, at sometime and place the baby has to be made and unless you werent given that essential, “where do babies come from” talk then we may have a few issues with discussing the following but im assuming that we’re all on the same page.

There are many old wives tales on conception and id have to say that from experience alot of them are pure, for lack of a better word, bollocks. Otherwise known as myth, I think thats the word I should have looked for and written but bollocks paints the appropriate picutre.

I remember being told about the different positions that could ensure the birth of a boy or a girl, or even twins and umm, I cant say that any of them has worked, and yet you will still find those that will swear by a certain position bringing them the sex of their child. I’ll have to dispel that myth now because unfortunately it comes down to coincidence.

Im no medical expert, my claim is to having conceived, given birth, raised and raising 11 children, so experience, research and a heap of common sense is where im able to assist.

What I can tell you is no myth, in terms of certain sexual positions, and that is the actual falling pregnant part of things. In order to conceive natually, sex is required, and so there are positions that may assist with conception.

Start your research here and you may be very surprised with the information provided on this topic alone.

I’ve had friends that have had major issues with conceiving but after a drunken night have found themselves pregnant … and here’s my take on that … when you’re trying for a baby you sometimes forget about the whole love making and intimacy with each other and concentrate on … making a baby. It becomes alot more tense and stressful for both parties because of the expectation that this sexual act will deliver a baby. In simple terms, you’ll find that after a few alcoholic beverages everything loosens up and becomes alot more relaxed … bingo! .. PREGNANT.

When you’re looking to conceive, remember that its still about making love and not about having a baby. Dont complicate matters by trying to create a baby and instead make it all about enjoying each other and the intimacy you are sharing.